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Chatwee Update

Update - There's been some technical difficulties launching Chatwee onto our website so we will not be moving to Chatwee on Thursday.

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Post of The Month (September)

Maisy is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"Hey Shaunie,

​I care. I really relate to what you have been experiencing with the house falling apart, and things not getting fixed due to general shame of the state of the house and not knowing where to begin fixing things or who to contact (you don't want to come across rogue tradesmen). Not even having adequate heating and hot water. And clutter. Everywhere. It's horrible to live in such circumstances, I know. It's hard as well when you see everyone else living a 'normal' life and yet being unable to talk about your situation."
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Punishment in relationships

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  • Punishment in relationships

    I wanted to get everyone’s thoughts on punishment in relationships. My partner is pretty adamant about me “dealing with consequences for my actions”. Usually when I do something that upsets her or that she doesn’t agree with she’ll withhold sex, emotional intimacy or just plain old give me the cold shoulder until I make it right (do what’s acceptable to her and her standards < she’ll even say that). It’s frustrating having to constantly worry that I may do something that upsets her with the fear that our intimacy/relationship will suffer. She flat out tells me that I need “to learn from my mistakes and deal with the consequences” and in addition to that tells me that “I’ll never learn if she doesn’t teach me a lesson”. After reading through many posts regarding this subject matter I’ve found that most believe it’s a sign of passive-aggressiveness and/or even emotional abuse. Does anyone else deal with this? How have you dealt with it? Is it wrong or right? When this happens it usually leaves me feeling like a child being “taught a lesson” by their mother and not an adult in an adult relationship. I feel as though relationships should be based upon patience, understanding, communication and tolerance not punishment and revenge. I’d love to hear everyone’s point of view regarding this issue. I’d love to hear from both sides, men and women.

  • #2
    punishment? Get out now.
    I know why the caged bird sings, Only joy comes from song
    She's so rare and beautiful to others, Why not just set her free
    So she can fly, fly, fly
    Spreadin' her wings and her song
    Let her fly, fly fly
    For the whole world to see


    • #3
      i wouldnt like that at all. She sounds messed up and domineering


      • #4
        I don't know about it being a sign of passive aggression, it sounds more like a sign of psychopathy.

        At best she's treating you like she'd treat an unruly puppy. At worst, it is emotional abuse. Either way, it's only going to end in tears for you.
        Can you hold me like you held someone you shouldn't have let go?
        Can you keep me deep inside like the regrets that burned a hole?
        Can you love me like you loved someone you loved so long ago?


        • #5
          She sounds delightful.

          When I say "delightful", I obviously mean "like a complete bitch"

          Time to leave.
          Did you ever go to a place - I think it was called Norway?
          That was one of mine. Won an award, you know. Lovely crinkly edges...


          • #6
            Get out now before it gets worse!
            Love Is Not Love That Alters When It Alteration Finds


            • #7
              While you should always deal with the consequences of your actions its not fair for you to be constantly walking on egg shells. If you do something that upsets her then you need to talk about it and try to compromise rather than be "punished".

              Ask your girlfriend if she feels unable to talk to you about these problems.


              • #8
                Wow. Is she your girlfriend or your mother? And what about when she does things to upset you? Textbook passive aggressive. Time for her to go.


                • #9
                  When i just read this post i thought ohmygod i hope your not so and so.
                  I have a friend who uses sex as a tool and if she feels like her other half is not doing or treating her how he should be she witholds sex!!! I actually do not agree with it at all.
                  And reading your post just makes me think what a bitch she is and i honestley don't know how her husband puts up with it to be honest.
                  I say get out of the relationship now when your with someone who u love and they love u u will realise that what your in now is not a normal relationship x
                  Live life each day, life is short!


                  • #10
                    I appreciate the advice from everyone! You guys have helped shed light on the subject. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply.


                    • #11

                      What conclusions are you coming to Jackson?
                      I hope youre ok


                      • #12
                        Would you let your employer withold breaktime, or PPE, equipment, pay, leave entitlement etc because of a mistake, NO you wouldn't and they know if they did those things you could sue the behinds off them. Plus they proberly dont want to treat anybody like there in infant school anyway with silly, "if you dont do that then you dont get this" attitude, its about communicating, compromising, understanding, you cant let her use her affection and sex as a "tool" to control you and your behaviour.

                        Dont accept that form her and let her feel the consequences of her cold, sinister, manipulative ways.

                        That is really awful though, if ever there was somebody i wanted to hit in the face with a shoval it was Jordan, and she had all those traits.

                        Out of interest give an example of one of your typical crimes as i think that is a relevant piece of information as she is taking these drastic steps, what have you done wrong?


                        • #13
                          Here's a couple of examples....

                          1. We have an agreement that I do the dishes and she does the laundry. Some nights I am exhausted from work and won't have the chance to get to them until the next day or so. She see's that as lazy and in her words "half-assed". In no way am I making up excuses or trying to sound sorry for myself but I work 10-12 hours days, sometimes 50-65 hours per week to include a 1 hour drive to work and during rush hour a 2 hour drive home so there are a lot of times when I'm too exhausted to get to them right away. I never let them get to the point where they get moldy or smelly or anything like that but sometimes it does take a day or two to get to them.

                          2. Same concept...I get home from working a late night, throw my clothes off onto the floor next to the bed and fall asleep not putting them away immedately or within an amount of time that's acceptable to her.

                          3. If I use the wrong colored dish towel to dry the dishes she gets upset and gives me the punishment treatment

                          4. If I say that I'm gonna do something and then genuinely forget to do it then she gives me the punishment treatment

                          Bascially it seems that any time that I do anything that she doesn't like or agree with then I get the punishment treatment from her from both things big and small. To be honest it doesn't feel like it takes much to get her upset either. There isn't usually a day that goes by that she doesn't seem to get upset with me about something. She'll usually resort to saying things such as: "Didn't your mom teach you any better when you were younger", "Obviously your mom let you get away without ever having to suffer the consequences", "You never have or are going to be responsible for your actions" etc....

                          Just yesterday (Valentine's day) when we woke up I thought I'd get an "I love you" or "Happy Valentine's Day" instead I wake up to her telling me all about that things that I do in my sleep that annoy her. That alone upset her enough to give me the punishment treatment.


                          • #14
                            She sounds very controlling. Have you talked to her about how you feel?
                            I'm clever, I just don't have the qualifications to prove it!
                            I can, I will, I must succeed!
                            Indrid_Cold -
                            "I guess it's fairly simple to pull women in a club. You stand at the door of a club (on the inside), wait until a woman is passing by outside, grab her arm or sleeve or whatever and just pull.

                            Whether that would turn out well in the end, of course, is another matter."


                            • #15
                              Hint: if you go along with it she will keep doing it and assume everything is fine.
                              Though she sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder imo either that or she's heavily into being the dom


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