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Support Circles on Sundays

Hey everyone,

We're going to be running support circles once a month on a Sunday! At the moment they run on Tuesdays, but for one of those Tuesdays, each month they will be running on a Sunday instead.

This next Sunday support circle will be on 26 November. If you'd like to come along, (sign up by completing the form here )
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Chatwee Update

Update - There's been some technical difficulties launching Chatwee onto our website so we will not be moving to Chatwee on Thursday.

As soon as we fix this issue, we'll announce another date for launching. We're really sorry for the delay in Chatwee, thanks so much for your patience.
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Post of The Month (September)

Maisy is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"Hey Shaunie,

​I care. I really relate to what you have been experiencing with the house falling apart, and things not getting fixed due to general shame of the state of the house and not knowing where to begin fixing things or who to contact (you don't want to come across rogue tradesmen). Not even having adequate heating and hot water. And clutter. Everywhere. It's horrible to live in such circumstances, I know. It's hard as well when you see everyone else living a 'normal' life and yet being unable to talk about your situation."
(Click for full post )
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Sexual assault

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  • Sexual assault

    Does anybody have any experience of what it was like to have sex after being sexually assaulted or acknowledging being sexually assaulted without realizing it had happened? If so, what was it like? Were there any organizations you contacted for help with the traumatic event? I'd really like some advice but clueless where to begin.

  • #2
    I really recommend the book Healing Sex by Staci Haynes as it is for people who have been sexually abused/ assaulted and is really positive about having sex and goes into quite a lot of detail. Even if you have nobody in mind to have sex with it's worth reading as it relates to sexuality more generally.

    For me sex has been difficult. I've had two relationships where sex was a part of that and whilst it was good sometimes it was also difficult at times. The most annoying thing was often my body wouldn't respond in the way I wanted it to. The first relationship I had the guy must have known I was a bit messed up when it came to sex as I used to cry (before, during and after the sex!) but I wasn't ready to talk about what had happened to me. The second relationship I told him what had happened to me before we had sex and he read that book as well and found it really helpful.

    As for organisations, I am currently being helped by 'Into The Light', I'm doing a course there at the moment. We did a bit about having sex and I realised one of the things that has caused the most problems for me is sexual ambivalence - one minute wanting sex and the next not wanting sex, being hot then cold etc. My partner found this very rejecting, especially as I would often change my mind part way through penetration.

    It's not all dome and gloom though, I have managed to have some good sex in my time. I think the key is finding a patient partner and being as honest as you can be.

    One tip I got from my course is to keep your eyes open when you are kissing as you are much less likely to trigger a flashback and it helps you stay present.

    I hope this helps.
    Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Randomgirl View Post
      We did a bit about having sex and I realised one of the things that has caused the most problems for me is sexual ambivalence - one minute wanting sex and the next not wanting sex, being hot then cold etc.
      I don't think that I'd ever have sex if I didn't actually want to do it but I can relate to what you've said entirely, sometimes I've been so confident that I want to do it, and decide just before, that I can't do it. It's upsetting sometimes, especially as I blame myself entirely for it, it just destroys any confidence I have. I've forgotten what it feels like physically to have sex too; maybe that's just weird?!

      Comment


      • #4

        Comment


        • #5
          From my own personal experience, it isn't always easy. Sometimes I totally forget, have a whale of a time and feel postively AWESOME. Other times I have pain/flashbacks/horrible weirdness that I just can't explain/cry during sex. What I have found is its really crucial to be having sex with someone you really trust, to be relaxed and to maybe talk about it with your partner if and when the time feels right.

          Books wise - there are soooo many. I swear by the Staci Haynes, but I find that working on the issues to do with the abuse naturally helps. For that it always helps to have a caring and understanding therapist, but I'm well aware thats not always possible. Courage to heal and the work book to go with it by Ellen bass and Laura Davis is pretty good (but seriously heafty!). The penny parks book is also good (rescuing the inner child). NAPAC have amazing information downloads, a brilliant helpline, and a huge database of support groups across the country. They are well worth giving a go!

          I hope this helps!
          Life is a hard race

          Its an uphill battle
          Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

          But the elation at the top of every peak
          Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

          One Eye on the Unknown

          Comment


          • #6
            I had nightmares last night, I feel awful, quite fragile, tired, want to cry. I shouldn't have thought about it. I shouldn't have even begun to think about sex. I don't know what to think about anymore. I want to think about sex without being afraid of it, but I just hate the thought of people touching me. Why am I doing this?! I don't know if I want sex just because it's sex, or if I want it just to build my confidence again. Or both?

            Comment


            • #7
              Hi Unflithen,

              Sorry to hear about how hard this has been for you. Being worried about eventually having sex is inevitably stressful and upsetting. It's a really good idea to post here as you can see some people have gone through similar feelings so remember you are not alone.

              Having a look at our video on Help and support following a sexual assault and article on Surviving sexual assault could help.

              Are you currently talking to anyone about this? Have you had therapy since the incident? Perhaps getting counselling could be something to think about - The Survivor's Trust can guide you to different counselling centres around the UK and Ireland specialising in sexual assault.

              have hope and faith, things will eventually fade or change

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Unflithen View Post
                I had nightmares last night, I feel awful, quite fragile, tired, want to cry. I shouldn't have thought about it. I shouldn't have even begun to think about sex. I don't know what to think about anymore. I want to think about sex without being afraid of it, but I just hate the thought of people touching me. Why am I doing this?! I don't know if I want sex just because it's sex, or if I want it just to build my confidence again. Or both?
                Wanting to have sex is a perfectly normal feeling - regardless of the motivations behind it. Unfortunately it seems that flashbacks and nightmares are a way of your body processing what happened to you - and getting support is a good idea, but I know from experience that its not always that easy so just bare in mind that we are hear and very willing to listen to you and help you all we can. Havee you looked any any of the downloadable material from NAPAC yet? That might be a start
                Life is a hard race

                Its an uphill battle
                Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

                But the elation at the top of every peak
                Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

                One Eye on the Unknown

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Miss_Riot View Post
                  Havee you looked any any of the downloadable material from NAPAC yet? That might be a start
                  No I haven't, I really don't know where to begin. I don't want to do anything about it, too frightened of the consequences, feel like I'm not going to believed and that I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Why would anyone not believe you? You're not making mountains out of molehills, disclosure is often the start of the healing process. Have you spoken to anyone about what happened?
                    Life is a hard race

                    Its an uphill battle
                    Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

                    But the elation at the top of every peak
                    Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

                    One Eye on the Unknown

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Miss_Riot View Post
                      Why would anyone not believe you? You're not making mountains out of molehills, disclosure is often the start of the healing process. Have you spoken to anyone about what happened?
                      I have done it, but it's difficult to know if I actually want to do something about it, or just acknowledge that it happened, and that there isn't anything I'm able to do about it anymore.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You can always make a statement to the police and never sign it. Thats what I did. Its still there if i change my mind, but just making that disclosure really helped.
                        Life is a hard race

                        Its an uphill battle
                        Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

                        But the elation at the top of every peak
                        Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

                        One Eye on the Unknown

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Miss_Riot View Post
                          You can always make a statement to the police and never sign it. Thats what I did. Its still there if i change my mind, but just making that disclosure really helped.
                          How would I do it? I'm not convinced they would believe me; I'm a man.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Unflithen View Post
                            How would I do it? I'm not convinced they would believe me; I'm a man.
                            Men get sexually assaulted too. How long ago did it happen? You can just call the local police where you live (even if it happened in a different location) and tell them you want to report a sexual assault (however long ago it happened you can report it) and they will arrange to take a statement from you.
                            Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I still think that that wouldn't be worthwhile, not for me, but for them.

                              Comment

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