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Post of The Month (August)

Meggles is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"my recent post and a comment from another user has made me realise that self care is so important.

I wanted to start a thread in the Health and Wellbeing section of the boards about self care.

Self care is provided by you, for you

I know a lot of us are struggling at the moment with different aspects of our own lives, and sometimes we get so lost in these we forget to take time for ourselves. This tread is, a Reminder to you to take time out for yourself during the difficult times.

down in the comments I would really love for people to share ideas and tips about self- care. to remind ourselves and others in the community.

My way of self care when i recognise ( or someone recognises i have neglected myself) is:

Take a walk and admire whats around me ( take as long as needed)
treat myself to a bath with a bathbomb and bubbles ( bubbles are important)
make a hot drink and just sit down with a film.

Please feel free to share your ideas!

The Mix have a guide to self-care which you can find here."
(Click for full post )
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problem with parents.

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  • problem with parents.

    been having a lot of family issues recently. Through texting with my sister we have come to a realisation that our parents just don't care. neither of us live at home. our parents never call or message to check how we are, when i messaged them it is all blunt and rude replies, they never answer the phone either. Looking back i realised my parents never picked up on the issues i was facing as a grew up, my mum never noticed the scars i had on show, she never picked up on my weight loss or going out for hours on end and returning home in the middle of the night, they never picked up that i was skipping college even though i was home with them a lot of the time.
    I just feel like theres no relationship with my parents and my sister feels the same. we both feel like giving up trying to build one. my sister has decided not to go home for the rest of this year, i feel like doing the same but i'm not as lucky as there is a period i will have to return for a month. it's just a shitty feeling and leaves me feeling so down a lot of the time.
    I have no idea how to approach it, i want to speak to my parents about it but i dont know how and worried about how they will react.

  • #2
    Hey evie,

    Welcome to the community.

    It sucks to hear that you were never particularly close to your parents. Growing up through everything you've talked about must be isolating enough, let alone when people at home don't seem to acknowledge anything that's happening. It's nice that you and your sister have been talking things through together, though.

    It might be good to have a bit of a think about what you want the outcome to be, here. If you were to speak to your parents (assuming you found a good way to do it), what would you want to achieve? The advice people give would probably change quite a lot depending on what that is - so whether you want to reconcile with them and build more of a bond, part ways completely, etc. We can never fully predict how people will respond to things, so there's probably always going to be a bit of uncertainly and that's okay.

    Writing things down can be really helpful for some; being able to say what you want to say without having the emotions and anxiety of talking to them face-to-face getting in the way. It also lets you change it and read over it beforehand to make sure you're happy with what you're going to tell them. You could either give/send it to them or use it as a script if you were to talk to them over the phone or something. Just an idea of course, these things don't work for everybody.

    If you don't mind me asking, is there a reason for not so good relationship with your parents, or is it more just how things turned out?
    "Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: getting out of bed." - Mason Cooley

    Comment


    • #3
      Do your parents not care about anyone? Or do they care about some people, just not their own children?

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Robert View Post
        Do your parents not care about anyone? Or do they care about some people, just not their own children?
        Can you not ask stupid question please

        Comment


        • #5
          It's not stupid; it's a genuine and relevant question. I'm trying to understand the situation, so that I can try to advise you. You said that your parents don't care about you or your sister, so in order to work things out I need to know if there are any people whom they care about.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Mike View Post
            Hey evie,

            Welcome to the community.

            It sucks to hear that you were never particularly close to your parents. Growing up through everything you've talked about must be isolating enough, let alone when people at home don't seem to acknowledge anything that's happening. It's nice that you and your sister have been talking things through together, though.

            It might be good to have a bit of a think about what you want the outcome to be, here. If you were to speak to your parents (assuming you found a good way to do it), what would you want to achieve? The advice people give would probably change quite a lot depending on what that is - so whether you want to reconcile with them and build more of a bond, part ways completely, etc. We can never fully predict how people will respond to things, so there's probably always going to be a bit of uncertainly and that's okay.

            Writing things down can be really helpful for some; being able to say what you want to say without having the emotions and anxiety of talking to them face-to-face getting in the way. It also lets you change it and read over it beforehand to make sure you're happy with what you're going to tell them. You could either give/send it to them or use it as a script if you were to talk to them over the phone or something. Just an idea of course, these things don't work for everybody.

            If you don't mind me asking, is there a reason for not so good relationship with your parents, or is it more just how things turned out?
            I guess I want answers to why they never bother with. I don't want to put the effort in to re build a relationship when my parents never bothered to do so while I was growing up.

            My dad's job is the reason I don't have a relationship with him. He's deployed a lot and I'm lucky if I see him a couple days a year. But he has no clue who I am, what my profession is, about my boy etc.

            my mum on the other hand just doesn't seems to want to talk to us ever. You try to talk to her you get blunt answers. When I was in school a friend was hit by a car and I ran home crying.. yet I was told to get over it when really all I needed was a hug. It's all I ever wanted from her was a hug and to take notice in me. But she never has and never will. I was sexually harassed on public transport while coming home from college one time. My parents couldn't care less. The woman on the bus who removed me from the situation and sat next to me, hugged me and talked to me, cared more for me in that 10 minutes I was with her than my parents cared. ( the man couldn't be identified on cctv so it was left)
            Ibe sat on my bedroom floor at age 15 with my school tie in my hand screaming and crying how much I want to end my life and how much I hate myself...you know what I was told? To shut up and my door was closed on me. What if I did anything, then maybe this would be a completely different story.
            I looked up to the youth workers as people who cared. I spent as much time as I could in their office and on projects looking at it now, it was to avoid going to an isolating and unwelcoming environment. I had 1 to 1 sessions with 3 different youth workers. I had counselling in college and they were perfect opportunities to raise this, but it's taken me this long to realise it. I feel so angry at myself that the opportunity to talk was there but I was too stupid to see my parents lack of care and support through out my life.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Robert View Post
              It's not stupid; it's a genuine and relevant question. I'm trying to understand the situation, so that I can try to advise you. You said that your parents don't care about you or your sister, so in order to work things out I need to know if there are any people whom they care about.
              Don't talk to me please.

              Comment


              • #8
                Hey there,

                ​I'm sorry to hear that you and your sister feel your parents don't care and overall, you don't have a relationship with them. It sounds like you've been through a lot and really needed their support and guidance. Even though everyone deserves parents who care, sometimes, it's not that simple.

                ​It sounds like your mum was disconnected, detached and not attuned to your needs. You needed her support and reassurance when your friend got hit by the car, but got told to 'get over it'. Unfortunately, some people just don't seem to understand how things can impact you and this may be especially true if they are wrapped up in their own problems. I know exactly the feeling of just wanting a hug and not being able to get that. But just like some people may not realise how situations can affect you emotionally, they may also not know what to do in those situations e.g. comforting, hugging either. This can come across as distant, cold and unloving. Of course, I don't know if this is true for your parents, but it's one way of looking at it (though it doesn't excuse the pain and all that you have been through either....you have every right to feel that way).

                ​I'm glad that you had youth workers who care about you, and you spent time with them. Even though no-one can replace your parents, it's good to have other people that you can look up to and have them care about you too (for me, it was a teacher ) I'm also glad to hear that you had counselling. But please don't blame yourself for not realising sooner that it was the lack of care and support from your parents that is really affecting you. I know that it takes a lot of reflection, time and work to realise these things. Especially with parents. We are so often in a society that praises parents and the effort that goes into parenting that we may feel 'ungrateful' for speaking out or realising that it's not the case for us. It may also seem easier to blame yourself rather than your parents, especially if you are told to 'get over it' often. The main thing is, you have realised it.

                ​The next step is to figure out what to do next. I agree with Mike that it's good to think about what you would like to achieve. I know that you would like to get some sort of explanation, perhaps even an apology, for why your parents never seemed to notice or care. I think if you have this conversation, try not to blame your parents. I know that's easier said than done, but chances are blame will only cause arguments or for your mum to just shut down. Try using 'I' statements instead like 'I feel that I was alone in dealing with things' or ' I feel I can't talk about things with you'.

                ​I'm also wondering whether you are able to access counselling again? I think that given you are dealing with a lot of emotions and your mum hasn't been there to support you, taking the next step may be good if you can talk about it with a counsellor. Would you want to try to have a relationship with your mum? Family therapy is also another option, and it can work with just you talking to a counsellor e.g. a counsellor may suggest that your task could be to ask or hug your mum the next time you feel upset. It's kind of like 're-parenting' the parent so that they learn to comfort you.

                ​When your dad is around, do you get to spend time with him? Or do you feel that he is just as uninvolved as your mum?

                ​Otherwise, some people find that time and distance can help the relationship. It is possible to heal from the lack of care from your mum, and you may want to look into self-help books to process the emotions. Remember that you still have your sister and I'm sure you can help each other through this.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Maisy View Post
                  Hey there,

                  ​I'm sorry to hear that you and your sister feel your parents don't care and overall, you don't have a relationship with them. It sounds like you've been through a lot and really needed their support and guidance. Even though everyone deserves parents who care, sometimes, it's not that simple.

                  ​It sounds like your mum was disconnected, detached and not attuned to your needs. You needed her support and reassurance when your friend got hit by the car, but got told to 'get over it'. Unfortunately, some people just don't seem to understand how things can impact you and this may be especially true if they are wrapped up in their own problems. I know exactly the feeling of just wanting a hug and not being able to get that. But just like some people may not realise how situations can affect you emotionally, they may also not know what to do in those situations e.g. comforting, hugging either. This can come across as distant, cold and unloving. Of course, I don't know if this is true for your parents, but it's one way of looking at it (though it doesn't excuse the pain and all that you have been through either....you have every right to feel that way).

                  ​I'm glad that you had youth workers who care about you, and you spent time with them. Even though no-one can replace your parents, it's good to have other people that you can look up to and have them care about you too (for me, it was a teacher ) I'm also glad to hear that you had counselling. But please don't blame yourself for not realising sooner that it was the lack of care and support from your parents that is really affecting you. I know that it takes a lot of reflection, time and work to realise these things. Especially with parents. We are so often in a society that praises parents and the effort that goes into parenting that we may feel 'ungrateful' for speaking out or realising that it's not the case for us. It may also seem easier to blame yourself rather than your parents, especially if you are told to 'get over it' often. The main thing is, you have realised it.

                  ​The next step is to figure out what to do next. I agree with Mike that it's good to think about what you would like to achieve. I know that you would like to get some sort of explanation, perhaps even an apology, for why your parents never seemed to notice or care. I think if you have this conversation, try not to blame your parents. I know that's easier said than done, but chances are blame will only cause arguments or for your mum to just shut down. Try using 'I' statements instead like 'I feel that I was alone in dealing with things' or ' I feel I can't talk about things with you'.

                  ​I'm also wondering whether you are able to access counselling again? I think that given you are dealing with a lot of emotions and your mum hasn't been there to support you, taking the next step may be good if you can talk about it with a counsellor. Would you want to try to have a relationship with your mum? Family therapy is also another option, and it can work with just you talking to a counsellor e.g. a counsellor may suggest that your task could be to ask or hug your mum the next time you feel upset. It's kind of like 're-parenting' the parent so that they learn to comfort you.

                  ​When your dad is around, do you get to spend time with him? Or do you feel that he is just as uninvolved as your mum?

                  ​Otherwise, some people find that time and distance can help the relationship. It is possible to heal from the lack of care from your mum, and you may want to look into self-help books to process the emotions. Remember that you still have your sister and I'm sure you can help each other through this.


                  i'm on a waiting list for counselling. its just taking its time to get there.
                  i don't really spend time with my dad. he can be physically and verbally abusive at times ( probably where my behaviour comes from sometimes) i dont want a relationship with my parents. i want answers so i can turn my back on the family knowing why my parents don't care

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Ah, hope you won't be waiting much longer for counselling then.

                    ​That's fair enough. Even though he is your dad, you definitely don't have to put up with his physically and verbally abusive behaviour. I think it's really common to have anger and other difficult behaviours when coming from an abusive and neglectful family. But unlike your parents, it sounds like you are aware of your behaviour and can make changes.

                    ​It's totally understandable with everything that has happened between you and your parents to not want a relationship with them. Whether you get answers or not, I think it's definitely a good plan to put some distance between you and your family and focus on yourself and your life

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Maisy Thank you for caring and taking time out of your day to respond. I really apprciate it.
                      Its just really hard because i feel so lost on how to approach my parents and im so scared to. I'm so tempted to speak to my boyfriend's parents about it. they seem to care for me more than my parents do

                      Comment

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