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Post of The Month (September)

Maisy is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"Hey Shaunie,

​I care. I really relate to what you have been experiencing with the house falling apart, and things not getting fixed due to general shame of the state of the house and not knowing where to begin fixing things or who to contact (you don't want to come across rogue tradesmen). Not even having adequate heating and hot water. And clutter. Everywhere. It's horrible to live in such circumstances, I know. It's hard as well when you see everyone else living a 'normal' life and yet being unable to talk about your situation."
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Gender, sexuality, identity: Is this cheating?

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  • Gender, sexuality, identity: Is this cheating?

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    ​Hello everyone!

    ​So following the topic of the month about cheating and forgiveness I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

    Is it classed as cheating if the person you cheat with is of a different gender to who you say you are attracted to?

    ​For example, a straight woman who cheats on her husband with another woman. Or a man who identifies as gay, cheats on his boyfriend with a woman? Or even someone who says they are straight but cheats with somebody who identifies as trans?

    ​My own opinion is that cheating with anybody, is cheating, regardless of who they are and what your sexual orientation.

    ​But I have heard so many experiences in the past where significant others didn't mind at all if their girlfriends kissed or slept with other women. Or their partners slept with other people so long as it didn't match their sexual orientation or preference.

    ​Of course we all identify in different ways and are attracted to different people. Neither of these should matter anyway....but in this case, is identity and sexual orientation important here? Does it matter?

    What are some of your experiences or thoughts?

    Is it still cheating?


    ​-PositiveAura


  • #2
    Heya!

    Yeah, I think it is, and maybe even worse than the usual idea of cheating, depending on how you view it! Maybe it'd feel like you're not preferable for your partner
    because of your gender identity, which is a very fundamental thing to many people. Many people view sexual acts with an emotional sexuality as well as a physical
    sexuality, so it can be easy to feel betrayed regardless of their gender (especially if it did indeed involve a fair amount of emotion).

    I guess one exception may be, for example, having a girlfriend who you're convinced is [mostly] straight kiss another female. Perhaps it just adds another layer of trust to be convinced that "it was just a kiss, and nothing more"?

    ~Kaze

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    • #3
      Hi Kaze, thanks so much for your thoughts!

      I completely see where you are coming from and I agree about it still being the same thing regardless.

      ​I suppose that yes, it could bring up more insecurities and thoughts of 'am I enough' or 'am I the opposite of what they want' etc.

      ​I never thought about it that way though, if they kissed another person but then decided it wasn't what they wanted, I guess that would reassure you...But I'd hope they wouldn't want to try it in the first place!

      ​That's an interesting point about emotional cheating. The physical/emotional sides are equally as important but that's another thing that some people disagree on, if it was just a physical act or if it was something more. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think that emotional cheating with another gender/identity is the same as physically doing so?

      ​-PositiveAura


      Last edited by PositiveAura; 20-09-2017, 06:28 PM.

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      • #4
        Hi PositiveAura

        ​I believe that if you are in a committed relationship, it would be considered cheating regardless of sexual orientation. Any form of cheating involves dishonesty and I think the dishonesty in cheating takes precedence over the actual act of sex and that the cheated partner's hurt comes more from the lying whether that be about their feelings or their sexuality.

        I feel that when the infidelity involves breaking your sexuality, or at least the orientation you identify as, it brings up another set of questions entirely. For example a gay man may ask: Why would you sleep with a girl? Is it because I am not meeting your needs? Are you gay, or bi perhaps? I think in this instance there is something that needs addressing in the relationship which could be seen as being more complicated as this person has had an emotional/physical attraction outside of their usual preference.

        ​But moral of the story, don't cheat and try to be honest in all areas of your relationship(s)

        ​- Sunny

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        • #5
          Hi SunshineSoul!

          ​Thanks for your reply, I agree with what you have mentioned, similar to Kaze

          ​Aside from the physical side, you are right about honesty, trust and the immorality of cheating. Regardless of the way that somebody connects with somebody else, or who that may be, it is all a dishonest, hurtful act.​And like you suggested, this can be heightened by the insecurities that may come with your partner being with someone not of their preference.

          ​So in fact, it can become more complicated or raise more issues and hurt in the long run.

          I agree with your last bit of advice! Being honest from the get go and avoiding turning to somebody else. Communication can prevent this in the long run. "Honesty is the best policy" as they say.

          ​-PositiveAura

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          • #6
            I think different people have different levels of physical sexuality and emotional sexuality perhaps. Some people have a high physical sexuality and focus on appearance when looking for sex. Other people may have a higher emotional sexuality and they may not enjoy sex as much unless there's a strong emotional bond between the partners.

            As I personally think I fall into the latter category, I do think emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. I'd probably prefer it if my [future] partner had sex with someone else rather than went on an intimate date with someone else. I guess a date would moreso violate the feeling that I'm the most important person to my partner. Sex, on the other hand, could be done without that feeling being absolutely violated - many people seem to have open relationships.

            I'd be interested to hear from anyone who disagrees.

            ~Kaze

            Comment


            • #7
              Hey Kaze!

              ​You've made a pretty good point there, I completely see where you are coming from.

              ​I'm not one for labels, boxes and conforming to norms so I agree that there are SO many different types of relationships and many of these are open or fluid. Some will be fine with emotional cheating and not allow physical, others will be the opposite and can forgive and overcome so long as it wasn't anything more.

              ​I have to agree with your mind-set too, that something physical without emotion can be easier to deal with than if the cheating carried a deeper bond.

              ​Do you agree that this still applies no matter who it is that you are cheating with, even if it was with someone not within a partner's sexuality/identity preferences? (See examples I posted on the first post)



              Thanks for your input!

              ​-PositiveAura

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