Essential support for under 25s


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Expert chat: Enthusiastic Consent & Conditional Consent (Wed 21st February)

Hey everyone!

On Wednesday 21st Feb at 6.30pm, Sarah our expert, will be running an expert chat about Enthusiastic Consent and Conditional Consent.

Sarah is the co-founder of Scarlet Ladies, a community of women with the aim to destigmatise and normalise the conversation around female sexuality.

Suffering from post traumatic stress disorder after experiencing a number of traumas, including rape, Sarah is reclaiming her body by engaging in bodybuilding and powerlifting. Taking back control of her sexuality, she is currently remaining abstinent. Working and campaigning with other women for the sexual empowerment of women has been an integral part of her healing journey.

Come along and join us! Find out more here
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Vanilla features: have your say

As we move to our new boards software, Vanilla, we'll have a few new features at our disposal. We're keen to hear what you all think about them, so head here to have your say over how we'll use (or not use) some of the new features. Fill out the form before Wednesday the 21st to tell us your thoughts and have the option of joining our testing team!
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The Great Boards Migration

Great news! We're moving to new discussion boards software. Head here for the full announcement.
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Post of The Month

One-in-a-million is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"Just a bit of fun here if you could create an advent calendar what would you put in it and why.

For me you would still get chocolate 😆😆
But inside each door is a task for the day. Something that includes you helping/talking to others, doing something festive and spreading Christmas cheer
For example

1. Tell your parents/carers you love them
2. Say hello when passing an OAP (that might be the only thing someone says to them all week)
3. Watch a Christmas movie
4. Help someone in need e.g put some spare change in a charity box, buy a warm drink for the homeless person who sits on the corner, dothe washing up ha ha ha😂
5 make hot chocolate
6. Visit your grandparents (if you dont already) They will more than likely love to see you.
7. Sing a Christmas song with a friend
8. Dress up in something Christmasy when you do your shopping.

You get the idea 😂😉 my reason for this is to get people in the mood and understand what Christmas actually means.

What would yours have and why."
(Click for full post )
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Is it ever okay to lie in a relationship?

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  • Is it ever okay to lie in a relationship?

    Hey everyone,

    Honesty is a key part of good communication in a relationship and when dating. But sometimes the truth hurts - so it it ever okay to lie?

    Look forward to hearing your thoughts!

    - Aife

  • #2
    good question!

    In my opinion I dont think it is ok to lie, trust and being open and honest is so important in any relationship. If you can't feel like you can be honest with your partner, what is going on in the relationship to make that person feel they cant be truthful?
    if you lie and keep keep secrets, it will sooner or later swallow you up in my opinion. Also need to consider, how hurt would your partner be if they found out you lied to them, but spoke to someone else about it? will that break the trust?

    It takes a lot to build trust in the first place, therefore i think lying in a relationship can be hurtful and put the relationship on a strained relationship


    • #3
      It's fine to lie if it's only a small lie but anything else then it's not ok


      • #4
        That's a difficult one.. I would say that, you should never have to lie to your partner. If they prefer you not to eat meat, because they are vegetarian, then you might want to lie to them about that chicken sandwich you had for lunch, but at the same time, if it's a regular thing that happens, I might be tempted to call that partner controlling. Additionally, if you've recently felt unsatisfied with a relationship, you might want to lie to them about that, hoping to ride out your bad feelings. However, in reality those feelings will usually simply build up until they overwhelm you, causing a big argument, so it's often best to talk to your partner so you can work together to solve the issue. Another situation where you might want to lie is if you notice your partner is putting on some weight. If you ignore this, and keep reassuring them that their body has not changed when they ask you the usual 'Does this make me look fat?', they may continue to gain weight until it is very hard to lose it. Therefore, in this situation, it is important not to lie, but to make sure you are nice with your truths. You should never lie, but being truthful doesn't mean being nasty. There is always a nice way to say the truth.


        • #5
          Hey Starra, Pizaco Meggles, you've all mentioned some interesting points about the importance of being honest to your partner and the idea of lies gradually building up. For someone who wants to be open and honest with their partner, what advice would you give them if they have a few lies that have built up?

          Look forward to hearing your thoughts!

          - Aife


          • #6
            I think overall lying isn't ok, but this is usually applicable to the more serious things which need to be spoken about such as having cheated on someone or saying that you're happy in your relationship when you're actually not. BUT, if you've lied to your partner that their short haircut looks good when really you don't like it, then I think that's maybe something that is ok haha



            • #7
              Totally agree with Drea here, I don't think there's ever a point in lying about how you're feeling. Relationships are usually built upon honesty, however uncomfortable that honesty is. Little ones about haircuts and the like, though, seem harmless to me... as long as you don't lie so well that they get that haircut every time there's a fine line!
              Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend


              • #8
                With my friends, we play what we call 'The Question Game' where we ask each other questions, and while giving us an opportunity to get to know each other better, it also gives us the opportunity to admit to any lies we've told, so I think that would be good to do with your partner if you find yourself buried in lies!


                • #9
                  Hey everyone!

                  ​It's been interesting to read all of your thoughts on this. I agree with some of you here but I think it's a really tricky situation.

                  ​I personally don't think it's ok to lie at all. Honesty really is the best policy and if you feel the need to lie about something in the first place, then something is wrong. Trust is such a special thing to build and it is so easy to break. This can be done with both big lies and small ones. Obviously big lies are worse, like everyone has agreed. And in the end, all of them come to light in the end.

                  Even if it's a white lie like 'I love your shoes' when you really don't. Some partners would hate to find out that you lied and this can actually cause things like self-consciousness and issues with the way that they look. Why did they lie? What else don't they like, etc etc.

                  ​On the other hand, if you outright told them that you hated their shoes, that would hurt there feelings and again cause some friction.

                  ​So, even here with white lies, you just have to be nice and honest. Just say, they aren't to your taste but how about these ones?

                  And with big ones, hey. Look you may have made a mistake. But this always comes to light sooner or later and it is much, much more damaging. You can work to build trust if you are honest about a mistake but if you hide it for 20 years, not so much.

                  Little lies can build up just like this and then it turns into a big lie. You don't actually like their shoes, or hair, or favourite movie. You forget their birthday and aren't fond of their family. If these build up, your relationship ends up being a sham.

                  ​I know that sometimes it is a one off, but even then you can feel guilty and hiding how you really feel. That can be just as damaging to yourself. You should be able to express your true thoughts and feelings with someone.

                  ​But that's just my view!



                  • #10
                    Then there's your second question Aife that really is a tricky one!

                    For someone who wants to be open and honest with their partner, what advice would you give them if they have a few lies that have built up?
                    Starra I think that's such a good idea here, I have to agree with you! In this situation you'd have to be honest and give your reasons. If it was to save someone's feelings and because you had their best intentions in mind, this is much easier to talk about and overcome. This is understandable and can show that you did it because you care about that person and didn't want to hurt their feelings.

                    ​If not, you could always do something like buy them new shoes to replace those other ones you lied about liking and come clean that way. At least then, when you explain that you weren't really that fond of the others, they have some new ones as a present. This is obviously harder to do if it was something like a haircut or food that they've made, but you could always suggest some new styles or new recipes and see if they like any!

                    At the end of the day here, you should love that person for who they are and let them express themselves any way that they want to. If you have too many little issues with someone, perhaps you are the wrong people for eachother.

                    Last edited by PositiveAura; 01-11-2017, 06:30 PM.


                    • #11

                      I'm absolutely not an expert in relationships, however I believe that lying isn't okay. Very, very small things that would be forgotten quickly (even if the truth was told) I would perhaps let slide.

                      However if you frequently feel you have to lie about big things, then there might be a bit of a problem and a lack of trust in my opinion. The trust in a relationship is so special, but also so easily broken.

                      I agree so much with everyone else on this thread too!
                      "Truely independent person who doesn't do quotes, just dates".. (29.04.17)


                      • #12
                        There is a saying, "It is better to hear the truth that hurts than a deceitful lie", but I agree with most here that lying is definitly not okay. That said, one can be economical with the truth ---and that is not lying!

                        If you are on the outset of commencing a relationship, being honest and not lying will build solid foundations of trust. Trust in any relationship is vital, for how else can someone continue in a relationship based around little lies, as they invariably lead to bigger lies?

                        I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.
                        ― Friedrich Nietzsche
                        The greatest female power is empathy to create relationships on a personal level. It's better for a woman to come across as more nurturing, more warm, and that is going to lend more success to her than for a man doing the same thing.


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