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Vanilla features: have your say

As we move to our new boards software, Vanilla, we'll have a few new features at our disposal. We're keen to hear what you all think about them, so head here to have your say over how we'll use (or not use) some of the new features. Fill out the form before Wednesday the 21st to tell us your thoughts and have the option of joining our testing team!
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Post of The Month

One-in-a-million is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"Just a bit of fun here if you could create an advent calendar what would you put in it and why.

For me you would still get chocolate 😆😆
But inside each door is a task for the day. Something that includes you helping/talking to others, doing something festive and spreading Christmas cheer
For example

1. Tell your parents/carers you love them
2. Say hello when passing an OAP (that might be the only thing someone says to them all week)
3. Watch a Christmas movie
4. Help someone in need e.g put some spare change in a charity box, buy a warm drink for the homeless person who sits on the corner, dothe washing up ha ha ha😂
5 make hot chocolate
6. Visit your grandparents (if you donít already) They will more than likely love to see you.
7. Sing a Christmas song with a friend
8. Dress up in something Christmasy when you do your shopping.

You get the idea 😂😉 my reason for this is to get people in the mood and understand what Christmas actually means.

What would yours have and why."
(Click for full post )
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Living with mum

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  • Living with mum

    I cant cope living with my mum anymore she doesnt understand me and gets mad when i start showing symtpoms of my mental illness. I used to live on my own and I wish I still did because its overwhelming having to be around someone else every day especially when theyre not understanding.

  • #2
    Hi there Jellyelephant

    ​It sounds like you're in a tricky situation but I want to firstly let you know that you are not alone in how you feel.

    ​I know a lot of people who have changed their living situations and it is very hard to adjust. Add your mental health into the mix and it can become even harder.

    ​I have personally lived at home, with my partner's parents and now with my partner back with my family! It can all get a little too much at times and we all deserve some alone time. This can be hard when you are around someone 24/7 and don't have any space. Do you think you could sit down with your Mum and have a casual conversation about having some time alone for both of you? For example, even if this is just an hour a day in the evening so that you can both do your own thing in separate rooms?

    ​You mentioned that you have lived alone before, I am the same. When you have had your own space for some time, it is very hard to adjust back to sharing it with others. Is it still quite new being back home? Sometimes this can take a little time for everyone in the house to adjust.

    ​It's a shame to hear that she 'gets mad' when you are struggling with your mental health. A lot of the time with family this is because they don't fully understand what's going on and how complex our thoughts and feelings are. For some, a conversation about your mental health can help our parents understand us more. And if this isn't something that you want to do, sometimes it is good to take time alone to overcome any symptoms that you may be having away from your Mum so that you can sort through how you are feeling without any anger surrounding you because this can make things worse for us. So for example, going for a walk, listening to some music in your room, having a bath or colouring. Anything that can make you feel better and have time for YOU.

    ​For a lot of us, our parents reactions can sometimes be because they just want us to feel better and they feel helpless. This can cause frustration and cause them to act out from that.

    ​There could be a range of reasons which I hope I may have shed some light on. The most important thing is how your mental health is and taking care of that. Do you think that having some space and time alone during the day could help?

    ​This could also help your Mum have time to herself as well, so when you see each other later on, you can catch up and it is a little bit more special when you are together.

    ​What I remind myself is that it's not going to be forever and when the timing is right, we spread our wings and leave the nest again!

    I hope some of this helps.

    -PositiveAura

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    • #3
      Hi Jellyelephant

      ​I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time at home. The people we love the most can also be the people that stress us out the most too. I know you mentioned that she doesn't understand and gets mad. This could be your mum's way of expressing her concern, she may react this way out of being worried for you, and although this is not ideal she may not know any other way to do this. If this happens again, try to remain calm arguing never seems to get anywhere and just results in two really angry people instead of resolving the issue. All someone can do is try to understand someone else's thoughts and feelings and it can certainly be frustrating if what you're expressing is coming across the wrong way. She's your mum and mum's have a tendency to worry about every detail of your life. You say she doesn't understand you, have you suggested having a serious and civilised discussion so that you can try to make her understand what you're currently going through? If this doesn't get you far perhaps suggest speaking to a professional together. Whatever you suggest just make sure you show that you're serious and the current situation you're in is not helping.

      ​I've been in a similar situation with my own mum and the best thing for me was to be completely open about everything - this may be hard for some people to do but it is good for any relationship in the long-term. Just remember mum's have their child's best interest at heart.

      ​Are you in a position to potentially live alone again? Or have you got any friends or other family members who you could stay with should the situation get worse for you? If not, I suggest you think of ways you can peacefully live with you mum so that your mental health does not deteriorate. Could you reduce the amount of time you spend at home? Perhaps take up a new hobby or see friends, anything that means you're not constantly in eachother's space.

      ​Remember you've always got the community on here to talk to, I wish you all the best and I hope things improve at home for you soon!

      ​- Sunny

      Edit: PositiveAura I only realised you had posted when I refreshed the page, I totally agree with the advice you have given.
      Last edited by SunshineSoul; 01-11-2017, 07:24 PM.

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      • #4
        heya Jelly elephant

        I completely understand your frustration, I have exactly the same thing living with my mum. It is so hard having your own space when you are essentially living in a space which a parent can feel is theirs, thus making the house rules themselves. I agree with the others, definitely sit down with your mum and discuss your boundaries, when you need your own personal space and time. I have had to do this with my mum when I moved back home after university, I just sat her down and explained that I need my own space in the least confrontational way I possibly could. Its important to communicate that you will both have an easier and less stressful life if you both let each other get on with your own lives. Communication is always key!

        Good luck!

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        • #5
          Hi Jellyelephant

          I'm sorry you are having difficult times with your mum and not helping is she knows how much you are struggling, but underneath she is very worried and her concerns come out harshly, probably because she doesn't understand how quite to begin. Dusky's suggestion above about her sitting down with her mum to discuss boundaries was practical, but not all can be as open to reason.

          You could though, find a common ground where you and your mum share the same political beliefs, such as a hobby like knitting woolly hats or watching with you a favourite TV show. However, if your mum tries to kill those sort of subjects and starts rattling off her distaste of you, simply declare "This conversation is making me feel most uncomfortable right now and you are stressing me out. I can no longer continue!" And walk away.

          I did this to my mum when she got narky, but my coming away felt empowering. By telling her how I felt, I grabbed back the power from the trigger which in turn, began making me feel more resilient against her nastiness. I ended up repeating my reactions over and over again until much to my relief, mum exhausted her diatribe and shut her cakehole.

          That was a year ago. Since then, we sit in comfortable silences, content to watch TV together and laughing at silly antics on that programme 'You've Been Framed'. Occasionally she feels vomity in her anxious early mornings, and though I can't standing hearing her yarking up, I bend down and put my arm around her. When she's finished, I'll 'paste up her toothbrush and while she's refreshing her mouth, I'll go and make us a cup of tea.

          Even sharing a pot of tea helps us sit in comfortable silence. Perhaps you could try that, for while tea in itself is lovely to sip, it brings a smile to one's face these chilly mornings. And there could just become your beginning.
          The greatest female power is empathy to create relationships on a personal level. It's better for a woman to come across as more nurturing, more warm, and that is going to lend more success to her than for a man doing the same thing.

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