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Post of The Month

Jellyelephant is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"Hey Abi,

Please don't be sorry. Have you ever heard of the phrase "You can't pour from an empty cup"? I feel like this applies here. You need to look after yourself before you can start caring for other people. I know you know all about self care so I won't go on, but try and practise it a little, the way you encourage others to. It's great that you have other skills too, I know music is one of your passions in life and hopefully by studying it that can help you get to where you want to be. Take all the time you need, you don't have to support people in SC all of the time - chat is there to support you too when you are going through difficult times.

Take care of yourself

Jelly x"
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Sexual guilt

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  • Sexual guilt

    Hi,
    I thought I'd bring up this topic because I had never heard of sexual guilt before. I wanted to discuss my situation and see if anyone else has experienced sexual guilt and why you think you have these feelings.
    I was sexually abused/ raped (haven't decided how to label it yet haha) 6 months ago. I think the guilt started after this happened but I'm unsure. Since then, after I have sex, I feel guilty for doing it. I feel bad about wanting sex and giving into my desires. I think it may be because I feel partially to blame for the previous sexual abuse for putting myself in that kind of situation. And letting myself get into a vulnerable situation again puts me a risk and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't think sex is immoral or unclean which is what I found as the main cause when I was reaching this issue.
    I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about this. A part of me wants to abstain from sex completely but it's like telling myself I'm never going to eat chocolate again 😂. Maybe I should just carry on as normal, I don't even know!
    Let me know your thoughts on this situation. It seems quite uncommon so it's unlikely I'm going to find someone who experiences this too but it's good to write it all out.
    Thanks,
    Littlebabypanda xx

  • #2
    Hi,

    Its not uncommon and you deffinetly havent done anything wrong! We all cope in different ways after rape. A lot of people have a higher sex drive after rape or not want sex at all which ever way that is. That is okay.
    I dont want a signature.

    Comment


    • #3
      Hey @littlebabypanda

      I'm very sad you experienced such a terrible ordeal and it doesn't matter about labelling it, but you are so brave to come and tell us in part of the problems that have arisen. Crucially, the most important thing to realise is that you done absolutely nothing wrong! From what I've been reading in a self-help book, sexual trauma is certainly not uncommon nowadays, but I will return to that book shortly.

      Only recently have I felt able to openly admit on the forum of being sexually assaulted by my late mother, and though have not been experiencing any guilt post-intimacy with my partner, again it is not uncommon to experience guilt or melancholy. For why? Because I believe that after having such an explosion of pleasure during sex, our hormone oxytocin or "love hormone" starts depleting to cause feelings of guilt or even sadness. What Lostsense said about how we cope in different ways was very good, but what you must realise is we have varying sexual urges, and speaking personally, almost the same desire to eat inordinate amounts of chocolate!

      We want intimacy because our bodies and minds desire it so needfully, but what I think would be lovely for you is sometimes just enjoy a cuddle with the one who you love. This is how I feel about intimacy. Its definition is basically Togetherness, a loving closeness or having an affinity with the one you love and who loves you. Mutual affection comes into it a lot and warm feelings, too. Also in a cosy and relaxed atmosphere, and that could become something special that could take away these feelings of guilt.

      Maybe you could talk to a counsellor at Relate? https://www.relate.org.uk/ Relate also do Telephone Counselling, so you don't have to be face-to-face with someone. Link: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationsh...ne-counselling.

      And lastly, the book I've been reading: The Sexual Trauma Workbook for Teen Girls: A Guide to Recovery from Sexual Assault and Abuse (Instant Help Books for Teens)

      Its authors Raychelle Cassada Lohmann and Sheela Raja have take special care to make their self-help book a pleasant read for teen girls. I'm finding each section immensely helpful and being reminded that actually, we can become strong and resilient if we are prepared to move on, and this preparedness can happen as we go through each section of this book, but taking our time with it. I'm made a post about the book this same forum, and thoroughly recommend it to you.

      While the opportunity is going, how about you sign up for Support Circle on Tuesday 16th January, 8-9.30pm? It could be so helpful.

      http://www.themix.org.uk/community/f...day-16-01-2018

      Goodnight and sleep well.

      Belle xx

      "Seconds of your life are ticking away. If someone says that there's a rule - break it! That's the only thing that moves things forward."
      -Hans Zimmer.

      Comment


      • #4
        Hi @littlebabypanda

        I'm sorry to hear you went through that and that it's still affecting you sexually. Have you ever spoken to someone, face to face or over the phone about your experience? Like one of the services Mirabelle has referred to above? I hear you saying you feel guilty about the sexual abuse, which is totally normal but it was not your fault. It may be, like you say, that the feelings of sexual guilt stem from this. From personal experience I can tell you that talking to someone about what happened helped me to see past the guilt. If I'm honest it actually made me feel a bit ridiculous for feeling guilty. I now try to think, what advice would you give to a good friend if they had experienced this? Would you put the blame on them? We can be so hard on ourselves.

        Totally get what you're saying about feeling you are putting yourself at risk too, I still have those feelings occasionally and I think that's difficult to shake off but, like everything, it takes time. I think you're right in comparing it to never eating chocolate again! Sex is and should feel like something brilliant and fun, like eating chocolate it might take some time to feel like sex is 'normal' again but that's OK, it's totally understandable considering what you've gone through. Hugs

        - Lucy
        Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend

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