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Expert chat: Enthusiastic Consent & Conditional Consent (Wed 21st February)

Hey everyone!

On Wednesday 21st Feb at 6.30pm, Sarah our expert, will be running an expert chat about Enthusiastic Consent and Conditional Consent.

Sarah is the co-founder of Scarlet Ladies, a community of women with the aim to destigmatise and normalise the conversation around female sexuality.

Suffering from post traumatic stress disorder after experiencing a number of traumas, including rape, Sarah is reclaiming her body by engaging in bodybuilding and powerlifting. Taking back control of her sexuality, she is currently remaining abstinent. Working and campaigning with other women for the sexual empowerment of women has been an integral part of her healing journey.


Come along and join us! Find out more here
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Vanilla features: have your say

As we move to our new boards software, Vanilla, we'll have a few new features at our disposal. We're keen to hear what you all think about them, so head here to have your say over how we'll use (or not use) some of the new features. Fill out the form before Wednesday the 21st to tell us your thoughts and have the option of joining our testing team!
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Post of The Month

One-in-a-million is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"Just a bit of fun here if you could create an advent calendar what would you put in it and why.

For me you would still get chocolate 😆😆
But inside each door is a task for the day. Something that includes you helping/talking to others, doing something festive and spreading Christmas cheer
For example

1. Tell your parents/carers you love them
2. Say hello when passing an OAP (that might be the only thing someone says to them all week)
3. Watch a Christmas movie
4. Help someone in need e.g put some spare change in a charity box, buy a warm drink for the homeless person who sits on the corner, dothe washing up ha ha ha😂
5 make hot chocolate
6. Visit your grandparents (if you donít already) They will more than likely love to see you.
7. Sing a Christmas song with a friend
8. Dress up in something Christmasy when you do your shopping.

You get the idea 😂😉 my reason for this is to get people in the mood and understand what Christmas actually means.

What would yours have and why."
(Click for full post )
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How do you feel when your partner uses their phone during a conversation?

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  • How do you feel when your partner uses their phone during a conversation?



    Hey everyone,

    We can almost always connect to our friends because of the technology at our fingertips, and this can be positive for our relationships, but it can also get in the way of them.

    How does it make you feel when your partner looks at their phone when you’re trying to talk to them about something?


    Look forward to hearing your thoughts!

    - Aife


  • #2
    It pisses me off no end.

    I reach across, take the phone out of Jules' hand and switch it off. And put it beside me. She blushes and apologises. I grin back and get conversation.

    Similarly, I can't stand someone clicking their pen. Like when my doctor was clicking his pen and I was trying to talk - I reached across, took the pen out of his hand, laid it back down on the desk. And continued talking.
    "Seconds of your life are ticking away. If someone says that there's a rule - break it! That's the only thing that moves things forward."
    -Hans Zimmer.

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    • #3
      Hey!

      ​This is actually something that my partner and I are trying to overcome so I'm interested to see what everyone else thinks!

      ​After travelling for a year together we really cut ourselves off from technology, but since coming back around 6 months ago we are now constantly online.
      ​For instance, we study online, we volunteer online, we work online and we also run 2 business-type social media accounts. So we are constantly on our phones doing this.

      ​We both hate it. It's obviously not a nice feeling to be ignored. We don't feel connected to each other and if this is happening during a conversation it is even worse as you're not being heard. You can feel the other person's attention being pulled away and you don't feel as important as this 'phone'.

      But I also know that for us, right now...we can't really avoid it! So, we actually try and set the evening times for when we are away from phones or technology.

      ​So I guess I'm suggesting that if this happens to you - talk about it! Tell your partner how you are feeling. Sometimes you're distracted or busy and it's easy to grab your phone. But gently reminding your partner that it can wait will help, then next time they'll know not to. And set times aside when those phones have gotta go!

      ​-PositiveAura

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      • #4
        My family do stuff like this all the time, regularly during meals they'll all be staring at their phones. I've always been kind of uncomfortable having a phone and I only got one recently because I have to use it to circumvent the firewall in the school's wifi

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        • #5
          I feel like it depends on the situation. Sometimes, I personally find it a bit awkward if myself and another person/party of other people are sitting in silence, and sometimes going on your phone is a comforting way to sort of deal with the silence while it lasts. Obviously, it's not ideal - it would be lovely to just be able to interact without phones in these sort of situations, I think, but sometimes it's not so easy. I'm not too bothered by other people being on their phone generally, but if I'm trying to talk to the other person directly, especially if it's about something serious (e.g. something that matters to me), then it would make me feel annoyed and maybe even a bit hurt and disheartened. I do realise that sometimes the other person doesn't necessarily mean any harm; they might not just realise/notice that you want to talk. I doubt many people, if they care about you at least, would go out of their way to ignore you/not really pay attention to you, but keep their focus on their phone instead. It is important to let the other person know how it makes you feel though, definitely. Maybe even just a tap on the shoulder to get their full attention? Eye contact is important, I think. I personally don't agree with snatching the phone out of someone's hand and confiscating it; it's a bit too aggressive in my opinion, but I suppose how people react to this differs between relationships; there's no right way to deal with it and have it work for everyone.

          -peachysoo

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          • #6
            Originally posted by ZeeZee View Post
            My family do stuff like this all the time, regularly during meals they'll all be staring at their phones. I've always been kind of uncomfortable having a phone and I only got one recently because I have to use it to circumvent the firewall in the school's wifi
            Your buying a phone to leapfrog your school's firewall is artful and clever and I agree with you that everyone are staring at their phones. No wonder you hate phones, they are conversation's biggest killer.

            "Seconds of your life are ticking away. If someone says that there's a rule - break it! That's the only thing that moves things forward."
            -Hans Zimmer.

            Comment


            • #7
              I dont have a partner but can see how annoying it would be and feel like the phone is more important than them. I find it soo annoying when im speaking to anyone and they wont put their phone down.


              (Hate to be petty but in the title,im guessing you meant 'uses' instead of 'users'?. Probs only me who gets confused quick.)
              "Recovery is my best revenge" - Carolyn Spring "Let your past make you better not bitter" - Unknown

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              • #8
                Hey everyone thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic. It sounds like a few of you feel ignored and not important when your partner uses their phone. Often it can be difficult talking to a partner or friend about how much they use their phone.

                What advice would you give to someone who feels their partner or friend is using their phone too much?

                - Aife

                (Thank you Shaunie for noticing my typo in the title! I've now corrected it!)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hey everyone!!
                  I think it's really frustrating that we have become so dependent on our phones that we can avoid checking it constantly, even if we are with our partner or friends. It's become an addition so it's hard even to notice that it can be rude to do that, but we can change it!
                  I think that it's important to talk when something annoys us. There's no need to start an argument. We could simply explain that when two people are talking and one of them check the phone it causes distractions and ruins the interaction, so we could challenge our partner or friend and try not to use the phone for some time. it could also be funny and it could help us rediscover the pleasure of having a real conversation and of listening

                  - Fran

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Hey @Aife

                    My partner and I are guilty of this at times but don't do it much as we understand it's rude. If it were to happen, I would say 'what are you doing there?' and he'll laugh and put his phone down... I'd do the same. Honesty's the best policy and I'm very lucky to be with someone I can be honest with and also someone with the same attitude that there's more to life than our phones making a bit of a joke of it helps me!

                    - Lucy
                    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend

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