Finding The Missing Pieces
When they said it was a journey, they weren't kidding. I think out of everything, the confusion was the most prominent feature of my coming out story.
When I started questioning my sexuality at the good old age of 12, I thought I was straight. Then Bi for a bit. Then Gay. Then Bi again...
You can see what I mean huh.
So for the next couple of years, I flipped between the labels "homosexual" and "bisexual", finally sticking with Pan at 14, just as I'd come out to my friend group at the time. It felt right, but something still felt missing; I still felt a little bit out of place, like I was missing another piece of the puzzle, but I still had most of the image in place.
It wasn't until this year, just before my 17th birthday, when it finally clicked. A good friend of mine was talking to me about attractions beyond sexual and romantic, especially about sensual and aesthetic, and I had a full blown lightbulb moment.
I don't want to have sex with anyone!
Turns out I'd been confusing my attractions completely, and I was feeling aesthetic and sensual attraction to everyone as compared to sexual attraction. I'd spent absolutely years wondering why sexual conversations made me feel so uncomfortable, usually pinning it on my age and thoughts "just wait, you'll eventually be just as sexual as everyone else."
So yeah, explaining that to my parents after I'd just come out as Bi has been interesting to say the least, but it doesn't matter. I have absolutely wonderful friends, most of which who are in the LGBT+ community, and even a few Ace buddies who can join me in talking about how great cuddles are. I know labels aren't the most helpful thing to everyone, but i'm very proud of my label as Ace. It may change again in the future; who knows! The future is an absolute mystery, and I could find someone who I am sexually attracted to. But currently, as this version of me, I've never been happier to find something that truly feels like I've got all of the pieces at last.
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