Girl Thoughts

Hey, my name's Jade but I prefer Jay. This is my story of how I discovered I was a lesbian.

So, I guess I'll start from the very beginning... I first started having thoughts about girls when I was in primary school. I'd never really been one of those girls that had a lot of friends that were girls (I'm aware this is a 'Pitch Perfect' reference ?). My friends were so obsessed with guys and I was just in the middle of it all because I was the one who hung around with the lads. I never really understood why the girls were constantly talking and gossiping about them. My family are a bunch of jokers and when I was young I heard them joke about being gay, so I assumed it was something bad. That's when I realised that I noticed girls more than I did guys. Whenever a school party was thrown and the girls showed up in dresses I'd look at them and think they looked gorgeous. After hearing what my family said - and realising how my friends saw boys - I forced myself to notice a guy that way. The guy happened to be one of my close friends, so I hid and suppressed my thoughts from everyone. I was afraid of what they'd think if I told them. Fast forward to high school: the thoughts came back again. It was a whole new environment for me with new people. Again I started to notice girls, whilst my friends started getting boyfriends and liking boys etc. I did the same thing again... I buried the thoughts.

Skip forward to Year 10: I was in class with my friend one day, and she started telling me about this TV show she was watching at the moment ('Orange Is The New Black'). I'd heard of it but didn't know what it was about. So I started watching it, still thinking I was straight. I became obsessed with Alex Vause (Laura Prepon) - who by the way is hot as hell ?. That's when I started to realise that I may actually be gay. Of course, I have friends who are bi or gay but I'd spent years not knowing what these terms meant. By age 15, I'd heard these terms a lot more frequently and understood what they meant.

Usually I'm quite a sociable person with my friends, but with people I don't know and don't talk to I'm more shy and quiet. When I suddenly stopped laughing and talking to my friends at breaks and dinners, they noticed something was wrong. I didn't want to tell them what was wrong in case they hated me for it. I ended up talking to a few of my close friends about it and they generally took it really well. So I decided I was bisexual because at the time I liked this guy in my year, so I convinced myself that I had to like guys as well if I liked him. I accepted that I was bisexual and told my mum about it. She was shocked at first but after a while she said she loved me no matter what. Flash forward a few months: I was talking to my friend about my sexuality and he said "how can you be sure?" I didn't really know how to answer that. I'd never been in a relationship with either gender. After watching some 'Coming Out' videos on YouTube I realised that he was right, I wasn't sure. After that I did a lot of thinking and reading about LGBT-related things and decided that I was gay. Now, for the first time in my life, I'm 100% sure of my sexuality.

Published on 17-Feb-2017

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