giving up caring what others thought
when i was younger i used to care about what others thought all the time. and now i don't. and i'm so much happier.
may be triggering
"You have bushy eyebrows"
"you're a loner".
"you're never going to have a boyfriend"
"you're such a gay faggot"
"just kill yourself"
i used to hear this kind of stuff everyday. I used to go to school, listen to the abuse, soak in it. i let the words fill me up. i would then go home, stuff myself full of food to try and numb the pain.
then came the tears. i would cry and cry and cry, bawl my eyes out, constantly checking the clock on the oven. as soon as it reached 17:00 pm i would stop, midway through a burst of tears. breathe in and out. run upstairs and sort myself out, so that when my mum and my brothers walked in the door i would seem fine.
then after, when everyone was asleep, i would take my anger and sadness out on my body. i would sob under the covers, wishing i was prettier and fitter and nicer and cooler and just better. i destroyed all the mirrors in my room and burnt all of my photos.
and this happened to me everyday for 2 years.
until one day, after my arm was raw and bleeding, and my eyes were red and my face was wet with tears, i had an epiphany. why did i care what other people said to me?
and i thought about it. why did i? these people meant nothing to me. I didn't value their opinions. I didn't like any of them, and i never would. so why was i beating myself up over little things they said to me?
i thought about that for over an hour. i sat there, perfectly still, lost in thought. and i couldn't come up with a single reason as to why i cared about their opinions of me.
so the next day, i just ignored what they said. i fought back my tears, fought back the urge to run into the bathroom and rip my hair out. i simply ignored them. i envisioned myself covered in rubber, their insults bouncing off me.
it wasn't easy. i still went home and cried that night. but i didn't slice my arm until it bled either. small steps
everyday i ignored them. told myself that they were just sad people, trying to take out their own problems. because they were. my suffering was a way of them distracting themselves from their own problems. i realise this now. bullies are just taking their anger and pain out on others. for them, making other people cry is a coping mechanism to help them deal with their own shitty lives and problems.
slowly i built up my resistance. until eventually their insults had no power over me. words only have power if you give them that power. and i didn't give those horrible words anything.
eventually they started leaving me alone. bullies want a response. so if you don't give them one, they'll stop looking for one.
i'm not going to lie, it was difficult ignoring what they said. all of their insults still haunt me. i can remember every single time one of them said something nasty to me. i sometimes still hear their voices when i look in the mirror.
but because i took a stand, and refused to accept it, i made my life better. i made myself stronger. taking the step to ignore them wasn't easy. but it was so worth it.
This post was submitted as part of 'How I Quit For Good’ campaign. Take a peek at our other submissions and get involved by creating your own content!
Loneliness is not your fault
Loneliness is common amongst young people; Becky shares ...
Coming out as trans at school, university or work
Read our guide to help you choose how and when is the ...
Confused about sexual consent? Help is at hand.
Young people are under pressure, but we’re also powerful
Jessica explores the pressures on university students, ...
#MyTime to rap: setting an example through music
Rapper Awate talks about #MyTime, making music and the ...