How much sex is normal?

Sometimes there can be a lot of pressure on young couples to be going at it like bunny rabbits the entire time they’re together. But that’s just not realistic. Your sex life is gonna go through peaks and troughs depending on a number of different factors. So how much sex is normal? Guess what? There truly is no ‘normal’ amount of sex. The Mix explains.

If we could ban the word ‘normal’, we would. It’s a ridiculous concept – especially when it comes to peoples’ sex lives. There’s definitely no ideal number of times a week for couples to have sex. It varies drastically from person to person.

Having said that, when people first get together they might spend the first couple of months having some fun discovering each other’s bodies. So when it all cools down – and you start swapping Netflix and chill for ACTUAL Netflix and chillin’ on the sofa – it’s natural to think “hang on, what’s up? Why aren’t we having as much sex? IS THIS NORMAL?”

How does sex change in a relationship?

In the honeymoon phase a.k.a, the first few months of a relationship, it’s common for couples to spend A LOT of their time shagging each other senseless. It may even seem like every time you meet, you end up horizontal and sans-clothes or doing some sort of sexual activity.

Don’t worry, you’re not sex maniacs. Increased sexual frequency at the start of a relationship is actually science. You’re both releasing a tonne of bonding hormones to attach yourselves to each other. Plus you’re figuring out what works for you as a couple, which is a massive turn on and a sure way to increase sexual desire. 

“As relationships go on, it’s really natural to have less sex. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other anymore,” says Dr Cecilia d’Felice, a clinical psychologist. “It’s because you’re more comfortable and secure with each other, you’re already bonded. The urgent desire to rip each other’s clothes off just isn’t there anymore.”

But how much sex is normal?

First and foremost you need to stop googling ‘how much sex is normal’ and ignore every stat you’ve heard about how many times other couples have sex. It’s all nonsense. And it’ll undoubtedly be more/less than you’re having. If it’s not, then that’s just dumb luck. Instead, try asking yourself these questions:

1. a) What’s the right amount of sex for me?
2. b) Am I satisfied with the quality of the sex I’m having?

If the answer is yes, then it really doesn’t matter if you only do it once a year. If you’re happy, then it’s the right amount of sex. On the other hand, if you’re unhappy about the frequency you’re having sex, or you’re experiencing a lack of sexual satisfaction, don’t bottle it up. Have an honest convo with your partner about your needs and expectations.

I’m only young. Surely it’s too soon to stop having regular rampant sex?

Whether you’re in your teens or 20s, if you’re in a long-term relationship your hours spent in the bedroom will inevitably diminish. OK, so this is fair enough if you’re at the settling-down stage. But if you met in your teens it probably feels too soon to be more interested in take-out night than having sex afterwards.

“It’s difficult for young couples because you’re usually not at a stage when you’re ready to move onto that next step of commitment,” says Dr d’Felice. “Later on in life, married couples become more common and having kids is something you actually want. When you don’t have that to focus on, then it can start to feel like you’re just going through the motions.”

To help with this, try and focus on the good parts of long-term love and sexual intimacy. You’ll know each other’s bodies really well and can turn each other on easily. Not to mention, you’ll be comfortable enough to experiment with new things. Doesn’t sound too shabby now, huh?

But my partner never wants to have sex

Someone is usually going to want sex more frequently than the other at different points in the relationship. Lots of factors can put your partner off sex. Stress about exams, unemployment, depression or a major family crisis could all mean their libido takes a hit. If you’re currently feeling more dtf, just remember that this balance can always reverse throughout your time together.

“All relationships are about compromise,” says Dr d’Felice. “The sex aspect is no different. Especially if you’ve got completely different libidos. Then you definitely need to talk about it. Maybe even try seeing a sex therapist.” For more advice on this topic, read our article on mismatched sex drives here.

How do you talk about sex?

The important thing is to not point fingers or make anyone feel self-conscious. Simply talk about how you feel and open up a discussion. You could try saying something like: “We don’t seem to have as much sex as we did and I’m worried there’s something wrong with our relationship.”

Avoid dressing it up as a serious issue (“We need to talk. NOW”). This can make your partner feel intimidated and automatically go on the defensive. Instead, chat when you’re just chilling out together and everyone seems to be in a good headspace. 

I love my partner but I don’t fancy them anymore

“This is more common than you’d think actually. Anyone in a long-term relationship will experience periods when they don’t fancy their partner.” says Dr d’Felice, “Although those often coincide with the times when we don’t fancy ourselves.” 

Regardless of what the root cause is, these feelings can often be mended – even if you’re at the point of picturing someone else when you have sex. The trick is breaking your routine and seeing them in a different light.

“Go out and have fun as a couple!” suggest Dr d’Felice. “Or meet some friends together. Watching your partner being entertaining and seeing other people respond positively to them’ll bring your spark back. I mean, you’re bound to go off each other if you’re only watching TV night after night.”

For more help with relationships, take a look at our resources here.