This article was written by Rebecca, 20.
When life becomes too much, it seems so easy to turn to our hobbies for comfort. From afternoon sketches to piano lessons, they give us a sense of fulfilment. However, when we force ourselves to engage with them because of our self-expectations, they soon turn into a source of stress.
Our obsessions – the things which our lives revolve around, causing endless anxiety if we forgo them – often spiral out of control. Read below to take your first steps towards management and acceptance.
First Steps
Learning how to manage your self-expectations takes time. To begin with:
- Consider the cause of your anxiety. Does taking a day off feel like failure to you, that an insurmountable gap will appear the moment you become lenient? Keep in mind that, if you do not make time to relax, to try and forget about all your worries, your mind will schedule it for you. Exhaustion builds up over time, from the hours you shave from sleep and the missed meals, lunch compensated for with an apple and half of a stale sandwich.
- Replace ‘should’ and ‘must’ with kinder alternatives, such as ‘could’ or ‘might’. These forgiving alternatives help to relieve the pressure of your self-expectations, leaving room for unexpected interruptions or natural exhaustion. Over time, your thoughts will become kinder as well.
- Keep both perspectives in mind. If a friend invites you out to eat for their birthday, but you worry about your piano gathering dust, consider - between spending a night alone, or celebrating a special occasion, what would your future self regret the most? Your self-expectations will always be there, but by isolating yourself from your friends, you risk missing out on the experiences which you will come to cherish.
- Even if your family means well, their compliments can come across as insults. If they praise your ability to focus for ten hours, forgoing food and breaks to correct that horrendous habit of yours to play far faster than the song requires, consider telling them to encourage healthy habits instead.
Old outlets and new passions
In these moments, it may feel like returning to your old interests would solve the problem. And for some people, it might be as simple as that. The familiar comfort of a childhood novel, or the first video game you finished – if they fail to distract you from your worries, don’t be disheartened.
It’s part of human nature for your interests to fluctuate. Even professional athletes take time to watch TV. Learning to let yourself relax can be challenging, but try to keep in mind that there’s no one else racing against you.
- Take a change of pace. Learn a new song. Instead of writing on your laptop, try switching to a notebook, where time pressure quietens. Avoid cafes and parks, places where exterior pressure is easily found. If the girl with pink hair and piercings types loud enough to be heard over your headphones, find somewhere secluded to sit instead. Even if a creaking table in the corner is your best chance of solitude, try to take a deep breath: move your chair so it faces the wall, and soon enough the prying eyes of strangers will disappear.
- Reflect on your life outside of your obsessions. If you feel like it's all you have, try building a friend group, finding something else that makes you smile. However, developing new skills takes time: don’t be disheartened if your efforts seem pointless. Over time, your hard work will start to show.
- When you treat your hobbies as a chore, any enjoyment you take from it will disappear. While forcing yourself to practice for four hours might relieve your stress temporarily, at the dawn of a new day, your self-expectations will remain. Next time, try practicing for an hour or two, as long as you want to or until you get bored. Take it step by step, and you’ll notice tiny improvements along the way.
Many university societies and school clubs cater towards beginners. If you find a session that peaks your interest, try to attend. Even if it seems daunting to begin with, you’ll find yourself becoming more confident over time.
Underlying issues and final thoughts
Whether it's by immersing ourselves in fairytales or running until our thoughts disappear, we each find ways to cope with our problems. But when our stress becomes overwhelming, and we find ourselves clinging to the person we should be, it’s easy to lose control. Changing your self-expectations takes time, but with kindness and patience, you can learn how to accept your imperfections.
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