TLDR: Self-harm
Self-harm is when someone hurts themselves on purpose to cope with overwhelming emotions, because it can bring temporary relief from emotional pain.
Not always — many people self-harm to cope or feel control, not to die, though some may feel unsure about whether they want to live or survive.
Anyone can self-harm, regardless of age, background or personality, though it’s more common among young people aged 15–25.
People self-harm for many reasons, including stress, loneliness, trauma, low self-esteem, bullying, relationship problems or feeling out of control.
Recovery often involves understanding why the self-harm happens and finding safer ways to cope, alongside support from trusted people or professionals.
What is self-harm?
Self-harm is defined as ‘an act which we know does us physical or psychological damage but gives us temporary respite from difficult feelings’. In that context, lots of the things people do to ‘take the edge off’ – eating sugary foods, drinking alcohol, smoking tobacco – are, technically, self-harm.
We have a tendency to think of people who self-harm as ‘alien’ and ‘other’ but, at its heart, it’s just a coping strategy and, whether we realise it or not, we all have those. Like anything, coping strategies can be positive or negative and it depends just as much on how and why we do the things as what we’re doing. As a general rule, physical activity, relaxation (mindfulness, meditation) and creativity (music, art, writing, drama, dance) are all a great way to express difficult emotions and rid yourself of stress.
If you’re trying to support a person who is self-harming, remember that your aim isn’t just to make them stop. Ideally, they need to work out why they’re doing it and replace self-harming with a healthier coping activity, like the ones described above.
Self-harm can affect anyone
There’s no such thing as a typical person who self-harms. It can affect anyone of any age, background or race, regardless of whether they are an extrovert or an introvert.
Some young people self-harm on a regular basis, while others only do it once or twice their whole lifetimes. For some, it’s part of coping with a specific problem and they stop once the problem is resolved. Others self-harm for years whenever certain kinds of pressures and problems arise.
Are some people more likely to self-harm than others?
There are some groups of people who are more at risk of self-harming than others, including:
- Girls and young women (although more boys are self-harming than ever before).
- Young people aged between 15 and 25 years old.
- People who live in residential care or secure institutions.
- Gay, bisexual and transgender people.
- People with mental health problems such as borderline personality disorder.
- Asian women.
- People who are dependent on alcohol or drugs.
- People with learning disabilities.
- People with eating disorders.
- People in prison.
Drinking a lot of alcohol can significantly increase the risk of self-harm in young people who are already feeling stressed or depressed.
What causes self-harm?
Self-harming doesn’t necessarily mean that a person has a serious mental illness – the reasons why people self-harm are varied and include feeling alone, isolated, stressed, frustrated, or angry about issues out of their control. Such issues might include one or more of the following:
- Low self-esteem.
- Poor body image.
- Bullying or discrimination.
- Unwanted pregnancy.
- A serious illness that affects the way you feel about yourself.
- Worries over sexuality.
- Cultural/racial difficulties.
- Feelings of rejection, lack of love and affection by parents or carers.
- Parents getting divorced/family breakdown and conflict.
- Physical, sexual or emotional abuse.
- Domestic violence.
- A bereavement.
- Anxiety caused by work pressures.
- Money worries.
- The self-harm or suicide of someone close to you.
- Isolation and loneliness.
- Drug and alcohol use.
- Relationship problems.
Why some people self-harm
Some people do it because they don’t know how else to cope with pressures from whatever’s going on at school, or with their friends and family. Extreme feelings such as fear, anger, guilt, shame, helplessness, self-hatred, unhappiness, depression or despair can build up over time. When these feelings become unbearable, so too can the urge to self-harm.
Reasons young people have given for their self-harm include:
- When the level of emotional pain becomes too high, it acts as a safety valve where physical pain brings temporary relief.
- Cutting makes the blood take away the bad feelings.
- Pain can make you feel more alive when feeling numb or dead inside.
- Punishing yourself in response to feelings of shame or guilt.
- When it’s too difficult to talk to anyone, it’s a form of communication about unhappiness and a way of acknowledging the need for help.
- Self-harm gives a sense of control that’s missing elsewhere in life.
- Some people self-harm with the intention of ending their life or they may be unsure about whether they want to survive, for example, taking an overdose and leaving it to fate to decide the outcome.
If you want to stop self-harming, or help someone you know, you might find these links useful:
- Under 19? You can get confidential help with self-harm from ChildLine – either over the phone or through an online chat.
- Papyrus supports young people who are feeling suicidal – you can call, email or text them. Call on 0800 068 41 41.
- The Charlie Waller Memorial Trust helps young people learn more about depression and the importance of looking after your mental health.
- You can also access additional support through Sift, a UK charity providing listening services, peer support and information around self-harm.
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