Being a young transgender person

You may be reading this because you’re feeling confused about your gender. Maybe something doesn’t feel quite ‘right’. Or maybe you’ve been experimenting with, say, wearing dresses, but you aren’t sure what that means. Perhaps you’re getting negative comments from family members, or maybe you’ve been called an upsetting word by cisgender peers and you don’t understand what it means. The Mix is here to provide some straightforward, non-judgemental sexuality and gender help.

What does transgender mean?

Nobody fits into a nice little gender box perfectly. But, usually, being trans is when you don’t feel that the sex you are assigned at birth exactly corresponds with your gender identity.

Sex is a label used by doctors at birth to decide whether you’re biologically a ‘male’ or a ‘female’ when you’re born. This is determined by your anatomy (whether you have a penis or a vagina – not everyone is born with one or the other; some people are intersex) and the chromosomes you have. Biological sex is not the same as gender identity.

Gender is both a legal and a social status. It comes with sets of expectations from society about your characteristics, how you will behave and what you think and feel. Every culture has certain standards about the way that people should behave based on their gender.

Gender identity is how you feel as an individual about your gender and how you express that through what you wear, how you behave and your personal appearance. This is a feeling that often starts very early on in life.

A lot of people consider their gender identity to be either male or female. If the way you feel about your gender identity doesn’t seem to ‘match up’ to what you are taught to believe about your biological sex, then no wonder you feel confused.

What do all these trans terms mean? And how do I know what I am?

The language used when talking about transgender identity can be confusing. There’s lots of misinformation out there, and sometimes there’s disagreement over what terms mean. There are also lots of offensive and transphobic terms. Here’s The Mix’s guide to what you may have heard, and what it means, but the main thing to remember is that if you’re unsure which term to use to refer to someone, just ask them what they feel comfortable with.

Terms to use:

Transgender: An umbrella term, used to describe someone who presents as a different gender than their biological sex. Some trans people wish to have surgical or hormonal treatment to transition to a different gender and some don’t have any treatment at all.

Non-binary or gender fluid: Terms used to describe a spectrum of gender identities which do not conform to either masculine or feminine stereotypes and which sit outside of the gender binary.

Crossdresser/transvestite: A person who wears the clothing that is stereotypically associated with a different gender to their sex but who doesn’t want to permanently live life as a different gender. Some people may find the term transvestite outdated/offensive and some may identify with it, so it’s always best to ask about the best language to use.

Gender dysphoria: This is a medical term for feeling unhappy with your current gender (masculinity/femininity) because you feel it’s in conflict with your true identity. It might also be called gender identity disorder.

Intersex: Describes someone whose biological sex is not male or female – this may be due to genetic, hormonal or physical reasons e.g., having both male and female genitalia.

Queer: A lot of lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people identify simply as queer. This was used as an offensive term for a long time, but has been reclaimed and is now used to define a cultural movement for people who feel that they do not conform to sexual and gender norms. You should still be careful when using the term though and check with the LGBTQ+ person which language they feel most comfy with.

Offensive terms:

Tranny/gender-bender: Upsetting and offensive slang, referring to someone who has changed their sex or gender identity.

Pre-op/Post-op: Why would anyone want to be defined by their surgical status?

HeShe/Shemale/Hermaphrodite – Outdated ways to define someone who displays the physical characteristics of both sexes – e.g. having a penis and breasts at the same time.

Transsexual: A former medical (and now outdated) term, describing someone who presents their non-conforming gender identity.

Getting support if you’re trans and young

Trans people are at a greater risk of depression, self-harm and suicide, but there is help out there. There are also plenty of happy trans people, too, so don’t lose hope if you’re having a tough time right now. Here are some places you can contact for help and advice:

The Proud Trust – an organisation working to improve the lives of LGBTQ+ young people.

The Beaumont Society – offers a 24/7 information line, who can point you in the direction of the best resources for you. Their number is 01582 412220.

LGBT Youth Scotland – help young people in Scotland offer forums, a text service and a live chat service struggling with trans issues.

Support for young and trans people

Coming out as trans can be a tough time. The best support you can give is to try and be as understanding as possible. If you friend changes their name, the way they dress or their gender, remember they’re still them. Their sense of humour and personality won’t necessarily change too.

This article has some great information about how to support a trans person in your life.

Myths about being trans

Being trans means you’re gay

Nope – being trans is an entirely separate issue. Trans people can be straight, gay, or bisexual, just like everyone else.

You choose to be trans

Most trans people feel that they have no choice; this is just the way they are.

Being trans means you’re mentally ill

There is no evidence to suggest trans people have anything wrong with their mental health and careful checks are taken out before they’re allowed to go through medical treatments and transition.

How to support a trans friend

Coming out as trans is a tough time. The best support you can give is to try and be as understanding as possible about their gender identity and expression. If your friend changes their name, the way they dress or their gender, remember they’re still them. Their sense of humour and personality won’t necessarily change as well.

Lots Holloway: I figured out how to come out as trans

Lots Holloway is a British singer/songwriter who is helping to carve out a path for the LGBTQIA+ community in the music industry. Recently, he worked alongside his friend April Kelley to put out a documentary called A Summer on Ice, that explores everything that people have lost and gained during lockdown. This article is about his experience.

How to come out as trans was a question I pondered quite a lot, but eventually I just decided to rip the plaster off. I spoke openly with my parents about how I felt about my gender identity. Lockdown gave me the opportunity to settle into a safe space where I was able to chat with them. I’m proud of myself for that. Don’t get me wrong, it was a tough conversation but it was one that needed to happen. It allowed me to accept myself on a personal level as well as actively start helping my community on a public stage.

Was there any support that you received that really helped?

Fortunately, I didn’t need to ask for help. But I knew there were spaces available to find and feel safe in, like The Mix. Another source of support that I got came as a result of being known as Lots Holloway, so it’s not really the case for everyone. After I came out as trans to my fans, a bunch of people from the trans community reached out as well. They let me know that if I needed anything I could come to them, which was super nice.

I think everyone should do that as much as possible – if you can be there for someone else, make sure they know you’re there.

What advice would current Lots Holloway give to your 13-year old self?

Stop worrying about the future. It’ll come at you whether you like it or not, yes you can make some wise decisions, but most things you can’t control. Easier said than done, I know, but if you get there it can bring you a lot of peace.

Find joy and silver linings in as much as you can. Put things in perspective. The things you worry about today probably won’t matter in one year. Life is very short, and we are lucky to be living it.

What’s one message you hope for young members of the LGBTQIA+ community to keep in mind as they cope with lockdown?

Own who you are, regardless of what others say. You are different and unique, you’re the one and only you – and that’s exciting. Stay safe, and push for the changes you want to make in your life. Stand up for other people and be kind, always. Also, just know that there is no ‘How to come out as trans’ guide because every person’s journey is distinct and beautiful.