Emotional neglect

What is emotional neglect?

Emotional neglect occurs when a person’s emotional needs are ignored or dismissed. This can often include a lack of support during difficult times, failure to validate their emotions and experiences, or a general absence of care for their mental and emotional wellbeing.

How does emotional neglect differ from neglect?

Emotional neglect focuses on a person’s overall emotions and feelings, and it represents just one aspect of neglect. Neglect itself can take many forms, including physical, medical, educational, nutritional, and financial neglect.

How can this impact a child growing up?

Emotional neglect is often overlooked during childhood, as many people grow up believing it’s normal for parents to validate their children’s feelings. However, when a child doesn’t feel comfortable crying, expressing their emotions, or talking openly with their parents or guardians about what happens at school, outside, or at home, they often begin to bottle up their feelings.

Over time, this can lead them to repress their emotions and believe that their thoughts or opinions do not matter. As they grow older, this pattern can affect how they participate at school or in the workplace, where they may hold back their ideas, opinions, and emotions instead of expressing them.

What are the symptoms of emotional neglect?

Emotional neglect can vary from person to person depending on their lived circumstances.

Emotional symptoms:

• Low self-esteem
• Emotional detachment or dysregulation
• Feeling empty
• Mood swings
• Perfectionism
• Sensitive to rejections
• Feeling helpless

Relationship symptoms:

• Inability to communicate how they feel
• Trouble making friends
• Unhealthy relationships
• Trust issues
• Age inappropriate behaviour
• Withdrawing from social situations
• Struggling to cope with stress

Treatment for emotional neglect

Treatment for emotional neglect would involve finding a qualified therapist who specialises in childhood emotional neglect (CEN) or trauma, as they would be trained to help individuals acknowledge their neglect and work towards helping them express their emotions.

This can also include supporting individuals, being compassionate towards themselves and helping build healthy connections with others.

How did I realise I was emotionally neglected growing up?

I realised I had experienced neglect as a child when several counsellors asked me about my upbringing. They would often note that I was provided the ‘necessities’ growing up. This would include food to eat everyday, clean clothes for me and a roof over my head. However, when it came to the topic of my emotional needs I always used to tell them that ‘I manage everything by myself’ and ‘I don’t confide with my parents’.

Growing up it was always difficult for me to confide with my parents because they never seemed interested in how I was doing or what I was doing. I remember my mum picking me up from school where she would always ask how school went. But as the years went by, she stopped asking and I stopped replying.

I stopped talking about my school days because my mum never seemed interested, she would never congratulate me on small achievements. But I would always get told off by both parents, if I didn’t get perfect grades, or didn’t do my homework, otherwise I would be an ‘adult struggling my whole life.’

Throughout my academic years, I would have friendship fallouts, I was bullied at school and body-shamed and my mum would tell me off, for not defending myself. She would tell me that ‘you have to defend yourself otherwise people would think you are weak’.

So I became a people pleaser, thinking if people like me, then no-one will pick on me. This became a gateway where people treated me like a doormat or would always ask for favours. I always felt like I had to prove my worth by helping people. I wanted people to remember me fondly, as someone who was there for them, who supported them through difficult times, something which both my parents could not do.

How does being emotionally neglected affect me as an adult now?

It was already difficult growing up as an only child, but even now as an adult who had multiple friends, I couldn't fill the void. I struggle with maintaining healthy friendships with people. I have severe mood swings from crying to having outbursts of excitement over little things.

My actions of helping people, being kind to them, didn’t result in long-term friendships. In fact, it attracted many individuals who I thought were ‘friends’ and they tried to take advantage of me whenever they needed something.

A majority of my friends grew up in a stable healthy household with parents and siblings validating their emotions and supporting them with their life choices, but mine never did, so this is something I grieve from time to time.

I remember attending a medical appointment and seeing families in the waiting room and it would make me sad, seeing how other people could have a healthy relationship with their parents, siblings and children.

I like hyperfixating on other peoples lives because I would crave to have some form of long-term attention or support from others.

I would sit and wonder what it would feel like to have someone ask me how I am?

What do I like?

What I don't like?

Anyone who would show genuine interest in me as a person.

In some instances, the neglect made it difficult for me to be on the same level as boys my age, where I felt like I couldn’t relate to them and therefore never had a chance to be in a relationship.

When it came to work, I struggled with receiving constructive feedback from my managers because I perceived it as a personal attack or criticism, which I found difficult and offensive. This is something I still struggle with, unless it isn’t positive feedback, I would feel like I am not good enough.

I only found peace and comfort in being over productive where I feel like I am still trying to prove my worth.

I volunteer with multiple charities and I work with different companies. But sometimes I feel lost, full of doubt, and exhausted trying to show everyone that I am not useless and that I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

From time to time, I feel like a child trapped inside my body because I was never nurtured properly and had to figure things out all by myself, and it definitely affected my development from a child to a young adult.

What am I doing to make myself feel better?

As a child of emotionally neglectful parents, I often turn to online forums or social media where I share my experiences and feel seen by others who have gone through similar situations.

I still try to support people who are struggling, offering encouragement and uplifting them during difficult times so they don’t have to face things alone like I did.

I read books and watch videos educating myself on emotional neglect and its impact so I can better understand how it has affected me.

It is still a long road to recovery, as I continue to heal from the ways this has affected every aspect of my life, all while learning to do so without a support system.