How to come out

Am I ready to come out?

No two LGBTQIA+ people are going to have the same experience. Circumstances are individual and – similar to having sex for the first time – usually coming out is a matter of knowing, in yourself, when you’re ‘ready’. This can take months, years, or even decades – and that’s fine. The right time is whenever it feels right for you.

“In a lot of cases, people just have an epiphany moment where they think ‘I need to do this now. If I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it,’” says Wayne Dhesi, founder of RUComingOut. “But if any part of you doesn’t feel ready, then you’re probably not. Just take your time and sit with it until you feel comfortable.”

How to come out

So, you’re ready… as ready as you can be at least. But how do you come out to the people in your life? Here are some steps to follow.

How to come out to your parents

There’s no instruction manual for how to come out to your parents. You don’t have to sit down with your parents and tell them, face-to-face, that you’re attracted to the same gender, like cross dressing or are transgender. This works for some people, but not everyone. If this idea fills you with absolute horror, why not research some other ways, like:

• Writing it in a letter or email. That way they get time to process so they don’t have a knee-jerk negative reaction which they’ll probably regret later!
• Ask them if they can guess what you’re going to tell them. They may come up with lots of things they find much harder to accept than you being gay or trans, like getting someone pregnant, or being arrested. Then, what you tell them may come as a relief. Or they may have known for years and were waiting until you were ready.

RUComingOut allows people to share their experiences of coming out – have a look and see if anyone else’s method appeals to you.

Find your own LGBT support group to help you come out

Wayne suggests telling one person you really trust first. Someone you know will support you without judgement. Then, whatever happens with other people in your life, you’ve got someone to lean on. Start with the most open minded people first, and before you know it you’ll have built up a strong support network of close friends. Remember, finding an LGBT support group doesn’t necessarily mean talking about your feelings with a room full of strangers, you can build your own support group of trusted allies who you feel comfortable talking to. This can be as many or as few people as you like.

“It’s much easier once you’ve told one person,” he says. “And it’s probably best not to tell the person you’re worried about first. Always try to build on positive experiences.”

Don’t judge people’s initial reactions

You’ve spent however long ruminating and stressing and pondering what you’re feeling. You’ve taken the time you needed to come to terms with your sexual orientation, your gender identity or perhaps your identity as an intersex person. The people you’re coming out to haven’t. So, don’t judge them on their initial response. Let them digest the new information and don’t expect their first reaction to be perfect.

They may be shocked, and no one in shock behaves their best. They probably need time to process. Wait a week or so before you really know how they feel. In the meantime, distract yourself by doing things you love.

Be selfish – only tell who you want

You may feel like you should tell your parents first, but you don’t have to. If you’re only comfortable telling your mates right now – that’s okay.

“What’s most important is protecting yourself emotionally through this time,” says Wayne. “This isn’t about your parents getting upset or what people think, it’s about you. You’re doing this for you. Don’t be afraid to be selfish.”

What if I get a bad reaction?

If a family member or friend hasn’t responded positively, it’s bound to sting. It may even feel like your heart’s been ripped out. If this happens, surround yourself with people who make you feel comfortable and give it time to settle down. Time heals all wounds. There are also a number of organisations and helplines you can contact for extra support at the end of this article.

Remember: if people have a problem it’s their problem, not yours. Your sexuality or gender identity is nothing to be ashamed of. Ever. Be as loud and proud as you like because, as Lady Gaga said, you were born this way.

If you’re worried you parents will kick you out

This is absolute worst-case scenario. But if you’re worried your parents are going to throw you out, you have to think carefully about your next steps. Weigh up whether it’s worth waiting, just to keep a roof over your head.

If you decide to go for it, here are some useful links if you do find yourself homeless:

• The Albert Kennedy Trust supports LGBTQ+ people aged 16-25-years-old who are homeless or living in a hostile environment. AKT has offices in London (call on 020 7831 6562), Manchester (0161 228 3308) and Newcastle (0191 281 0099).
• LGBT Youth Scotland has lots of great advice articles about LGBTQ+ issues, as well as running supportive live chats online. Text on 07786 202 370.
• Queer Youth Network gives you the opportunity to meet and chat with other LGBTQ+ young people online.
• Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline offers a range of help services for the LGBTQ+ community, including message boards and a helpline. 0300 330 0630.

Hi, I’m Emmanuela! I’m 18 years old. I do History, English Literature and Politics at A-level. I love to sing and I volunteer at The Mix because I’m very opinionated and I wanted a platform to express my opinions and experiences outside of school.

‘Coming out’ last year

This time last year, I did something that I never thought could happen. I came out to my mum (who is a Nigerian Christian) and she accepted me. I’m still proud, extremely so. But my concept of being ‘out’ still isn’t the one that most people have. And that’s okay. I still don’t plan on telling my dad. I don’t want to tell people who won’t accept me – I don’t want to have conflict over who I am. It isn’t worth fighting over, because it isn’t up for debate. I didn’t choose to be queer, but I can choose who I share it with.

That being said, I don’t live in fear of people finding out either. I plan to be open about my queerness online and in public. And if anyone who I haven’t explicitly told comes across this article and feels slighted, then that’s their problem.

I came to this realisation a few months ago; I was on a zoom call with other bisexual/ pansexual people of colour and someone said something that has been at the back of my mind ever since. “It’s not about coming out, it’s about bringing in”, she said. I chose to bring some of my family in and leave many of them out because it is my decision. Her words allowed me to understand myself more.

Sexuality and labels

On the topic of my sexuality itself, I’m not as attached to labels as I once was. There are so many definitions of each label that different people interpret them in their own way. The way I identify changes depending on who I’m around. In straight spheres, I almost always call myself bisexual. However in queer spaces, I call myself a sapphic, queer, bisexual or pansexual depending on the day. The truth is, all of these labels fit somewhat, but there’s also something missing from all of them.

I will always have an attachment to the label of bisexuality as well as the flag, because for a long time, it was the only term that I understood which encompassed my identity. That being said, anyone can refer to me as any multi-sexual identity because the labels are for them to understand me and not for me to understand myself.

Ultimately, I now realise that my queer journey is something that continues to develop and change in ways I could never have expected. And I’m okay with that.