TLDR: Online dating
No - it’s just a tool. Apps introduce you to people, but real connection is built through consistent actions in real life, not endless texting.
Hot-and-cold behaviour, avoiding meeting up, love-bombing too fast, getting sexual too quickly, or leaving you feeling anxious instead of calm are all warning signs.
Avoid sharing exact locations, personal struggles, or intimate photos early on. Meet in public places, tell a friend where you’re going, and move at a pace that feels safe.
Ask yourself: Do their actions match their words? Do they respect my boundaries? Do I feel peaceful after talking to them? If the answer is mostly no, it’s okay to step back.
Remember: you’re the chooser. Talking stages aren’t auditions for you to pass - they’re chances for you to decide who deserves your time, energy and trust.
Written by Ese Uwubiti, 25.
I used to think talking stages meant getting to know someone, but instead I found myself lost in endless texting and false connections.
The truth is online dating can be both exciting and draining if you’re not careful. This article breaks down the risks, red flags, and lessons I’ve learned to help you date smarter...
Making sense of online dating
Let me be real: online dating is a tool, not the relationship. Apps are like a big introduction mixer, but the real connection happens when someone shows up consistently in your life — not just in your messages.
Online spaces fast-track intimacy. You can have deep conversations in a few days, call each other pet names, even share vulnerabilities you’d normally hold back. And that can feel amazing… until it isn’t. Without real-life context, that intimacy is fragile.
So I started seeing online dating as a filter. Its job isn’t to give me love — it’s to help me figure out who deserves my time, energy, and trust. And if a person doesn’t pass the test? That’s not rejection — it’s information.
Red flags I’ve learned to watch
- Hot-and-cold behavior: Shows interest sometimes, disappears other times.
- Avoiding real-life plans: Always postponing meeting up, or giving excuses.
- Love-bombing too fast: Saying “I’ve never felt this way before” in week one.
- Overly sexual too soon: Asking for nudes or raunchy photos right away.
- Feeling anxious instead of peaceful: Your gut and body always know before your mind does.
Sometimes men push sexual talk right away. I’ve learned to respond firmly but gracefully:
- “I’m not comfortable sending photos like that, but I’d like to get to know you another way.”
- Or, if I’m done: “This isn’t what I’m looking for. Take care.”
A man who respects you will adapt, or he’ll disappear — and honestly, that’s okay. That’s a blessing, not a loss.
Protecting your personal information
Another thing I’ve learned the hard way: don’t overshare. Whether it’s someone from an app or a club, you’re still a stranger to them until they earn your trust.
Be careful with:
- Exact locations (home, work, regular hangouts).
- Personal or family struggles.
- Intimate photos or videos.
- Anything that could put your safety at risk.
Instead, focus on sharing hobbies, interests, and values — things that help you connect without exposing yourself to unnecessary risk. And when you meet someone in person? Public places, daylight, and a friend knowing where you are are non-negotiable.
The Talking Stage Litmus Test
Here’s my big sister advice: check yourself before you over-invest. Ask these five questions:
- Do their words match their actions?
- Are they putting in effort, or am I carrying the conversation?
- Do they respect my boundaries and pace?
- Are we moving toward something real, or just endless texting?
- After talking to them, do I feel peaceful and excited, or anxious and drained?
Mostly yes? Keep going. Mostly no? Pull back — and know it’s okay.
Toolkit for safer, smarter online dating
Week 1–2:
- Focus on light conversation — hobbies, music, values.
- No sharing sensitive personal info or intimate photos.
- Observe consistency: do they reply thoughtfully or just ghost?
Week 3–4:
- Suggest a safe, public meet-up if interest feels mutual.
- Start deeper conversations about life goals and boundaries.
- Continue to observe respect: do they honor your pace?
Beyond Week 4:
- If they’ve shown consistency, patience, and respect, consider sharing slightly more personal details.
- Still protect intimate or private information until trust is solid.
- Use your litmus test regularly — if red flags appear, step back immediately.
Green-flag questions to ask in talking stages:
- “What’s important to you in a friendship or relationship?”
- “How do you usually spend your free time?”
- “What does respect look like to you?”
These questions tell you more about intentions than endless texting ever will.
Online dating can be fun, but it can also drain you if you’re not careful. Protect your peace, trust your instincts, and remember: you are the chooser. Talking stages aren’t auditions where you’re being judged. They’re auditions you’re running.
If someone’s effort, energy, and respect don’t add to your life, it’s okay to put your phone down, walk away, and focus on the beautiful reality in front of you. Because love — the real kind — doesn’t blur your reality. It makes it brighter.
So here’s my challenge to you: the next time you’re caught in a talking stage, ask yourself — does this person add light to my life, or drain it? If it’s the latter, you know what to do. Your time, attention, and heart are precious — treat them like it.
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