Our parents often want to believe that they protected us from suffering the same traumas as they did, that we lived a childhood free of the pain of raised voices and emotions locked away for fear of rejection, spite or even laughter.
Despite this, their best efforts aren’t always enough. Unable to cope with this revelation, by projecting the struggles of their own childhood onto us they pass their trauma onto the next generation.
Denial
Our traumas often take subtle, unnoticeable forms, even through things as seemingly simple as keeping your back to the wall or stockpiling food in your room.
Intergenerational trauma can take many forms other than denial. For your parents, this can include:
- Fixating on your problems to compensate for the neglect they endured in the past.
- Acknowledging your problems, but expecting someone else to offer a solution, be it the teachers at school, another parent or guardian, or a family friend.
- Oversimplifying the solution – for example, saying, “your life would be so much easier if you just focused more” without recognising the effort you’ve already put in and how little difference it can make. Even when we’re trying our best, in their eyes, it can seem like we’re not putting in any effort at all because things seem to stay the same. The people around us often blame this on us rather than recognising how unrealistic their expectations are.
- Misunderstanding the cause. They may blame your lack of confidence on the fact that you’re shy, rather than attributing this to your social environment and traumas of any form.
Influenced by traumas created by abuse, bullying, mental health problems, physical illness and any number of factors in between, people often deny their problems or other people’s because it’s easier than admitting the truth. And in many cases, a parent’s fixation on their childhood traumas influences their behaviour towards their children.
This could be through:
- Belittling your experiences against their own.
- Dismissing your problems as normal or as a bid for attention.
- Comparing you to your peers. If someone else has had their struggles diagnosed and recognised, your parents might take it to mean that yours aren’t valid, likely because they experienced or witnessed the same thing as a child and were taught to dismiss it.
Through their denial, they protect themselves, pretending that they live in a world which caters to the person they want to be – a perfect parent incapable of indifference, placing their past traumas behind them for the sake of their child’s happiness as well as their own. The reality is far different. No matter how much we try to believe otherwise, our traumas follow in our shadow. The time we spent in our loneliness, whether we shut the door in a futile attempt to block out the shouting or watch our emotions explode as soon as we get home, is a part of who we are. As easy as it is to fantasize about the different paths our life could have taken, we should try to focus on learning how to cope with the impact trauma has on our current life.
Childhood Experiences
Kicked out of her house at sixteen, my mum wanted to do the best for my sister and I when we were growing up, better than her parents ever could. By her standards, we were lucky. We had someone who would always be there for us, who had us at an age where she had barely found her footing and thought that perhaps she never would. She did everything she could to ensure that we always had someone who cared for us, who we could fall back on.
She has her faults. Everyone does. Hoping our insecurity, the incessant anxiety at every little mistake or social interaction would turn out to be nothing at all, she did what parents tend to do. She stumbled on, day after day, hoping things would get better.
Even years later, part of me still resents her for standing by, and there’s no shame in feeling the same way. You don’t owe them forgiveness, but it helps to look at things from their perspective.
The hardest part can be from stopping yourself from speaking back. Some words are better left unsaid. Instead:
- Try to think beyond your anger. As silly as it might feel, ask yourself what your future self will feel after the heat of the moment has passed.
- If you feel your anger rising, try to step away from the argument. Find something you do have control over, like a song or book, anything that lets you express your anger in a harmless way.
- If you can’t take yourself out of the argument or situation, try to resolve it in the best way possible. They might not let you say what you want to, and sometimes you won’t be able to: most people don’t take kindly to having their mistakes dragged into the open. It might be best to acquiesce, agree half-heartedly, and bring the topic up when the time is right.
- Rather than prioritising their feelings, think about what’s best for you. Sometimes, it’s better to be honest. Find a midpoint which takes both your feelings and experiences into consideration.
- You don’t have to forgive and forget. Forgiveness should be earned, not expected, even with family.
Moving Forward
No one emerges from the rubble unscathed, even if you spend years trying to convince yourself otherwise. Our trauma makes up so much of our personality and identity that the time we spend trailing in the footsteps of the people that came before us cannot be forgotten so easily.
Dealing with your trauma can take everything you have, but without confronting or accepting its source, you won’t be able to move forward.
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