Settling into University life comes with many challenges for young people, but these challenges can be intensified by the heavy and unpredictable weight of grief. I'm writing this article as a young person who lost a parent to cancer during my third year of Uni.
While your experience and understanding of grief is your own, there are some feelings that crop up time and time again when a young person experiences loss.
Isolation
Everyone will experience some form of grief in their life, but for most people big losses are reserved for the far future. This leaves young grievers feeling like they’re in a completely different boat from their peers who haven't experienced and therefore can’t understand the grieving process. You may feel like you’ve aged up after having to navigate a deeply emotional journey. You may have a difficult time explaining your emotions and the impact of grief on your everyday life to people your age. You may feel completely disconnected from both your peers and the person you were before grief. While these feelings are heavy, they do not mean that you are alone.
Misunderstanding
Grief is a personal, unpredictable and complex process that is impossible to associate with expectations. There is no timeframe or pattern that can be applied to grief and when people do try to make sense of it, you can end up feeling misunderstood. A common quote that many grievers struggle with is: ‘it will get better with time.’
While this sounds helpful and comes with good intentions, it oversimplifies the grieving process. Navigating the loss of a loved one isn’t linear and some periods feel harder than others (e.g. holidays or anniversaries). I found a reframing of this saying that I liked, which visualises grief as a ball in a jar; the ball represents the grief and the jar represents life. Rather than the ball shrinking over time, the jar expands as your life builds around the loss. I found this metaphor helpful in understanding how the absence of a loved one doesn’t get smaller with time, time just goes on.
Jealousy
It is completely normal to feel envious of other people your age who haven’t experienced loss. Sometimes it feels like you are not just grieving the loss of the person but also a version of your future with them in it. Personally, my loss of a parent made me more sensitive to conversations with my friends in which they would mention their parents. I felt jealous that they still had that person and didn’t have to navigate their future around loss.
The university environment
Grieving students can feel particularly overwhelmed by the fast paced, independent and sometimes unfamiliar environment that University offers. Whether you are moving to university or have experienced a loss during your time at uni, here are some ways you can get support.
- Getting in touch with a personal tutor or your university wellbeing team: Some universities assign you a personal tutor at the beginning of the year to support you through your time at uni. If you have one, it would be worth getting in contact with them and letting them know your situation or any worries/ questions you may have so they can offer you support. If you don’t have a personal tutor, not to worry, support will still be available through your student wellbeing team. You should be able to get in touch through your university website or your student union.
Socials
University can be a very busy and fast-paced environment which can quickly become overwhelming for people who are grieving. While it’s important not to isolate yourself you don’t want to overcommit either, especially as grief is unpredictable so some days feel heavier than others. Give yourself time and space when you need it and remember everyone has different tolerances. While some people may feel frequent social events help them, others may prefer a bit more moderation, and both are completely fine.
Support network
Moving/being away from home while grieving feels like a huge step as distance is created between your home comforts and support network. If you are moving back to university after a loss or the loss occurred during your studies, it could be worth informing uni friends if you feel comfortable so they can offer support.
Alternatively, online resources provided above, and student support can offer a place to talk or gain information while you are away from home. Frequent calls back home to family and friends can also offer a pocket of comfort while you are adjusting to uni life, just because you are not physically there doesn’t mean your support network disappears.
Take your time
There is no right way to grieve and managing to get to/ continue with university is a huge achievement. Remember to slow down if needed, listen to your body and apply for extensions or mitigating circumstances to alleviate academic pressure if needed. Grief is extremely consuming, but you don’t have to carry it completely on your own. There are resources dedicated to supporting people through grief whether it's getting through your uni course or just getting through today.
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