This article was written by Mia Barnes. Mia is a health and wellness freelance writer with expertise in self-care and mental health. She is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of the online publication, Body+Mind magazine.
Being the eldest daughter in a family can involve a lot of responsibilities. As the oldest, second to your own parents, you may feel you need to be mature enough to act as a secondary caregiver to younger siblings.
Some have to speak with their parents about adult issues at a young age. And above all else, you may feel that you have to excel at everything that you do to set a good example. If you’ve ever felt these responsibilities weigh on you, here’s a rundown about the eldest daughter syndrome and why it can be exhausting.
What is eldest daughter syndrome?
You may have heard of eldest daughter syndrome floating around online as a buzzword that encapsulates the responsibilities and burdens of being the eldest in the family. It became a trending topic on TikTok as early as 2023 because so many people related to it.
Having to lead and solve problems across many aspects of their lives is a shared experience for the eldest daughter. With an estimated 3.4 million families with two children and 1.2 million families with three or more children in the United Kingdom, eldest siblings are far from uncommon and may face a range of challenges, from family problems to academic pressures.
Birth order is often viewed as the root cause of these stressors — people who experienced being the firstborn of a multi-child household may have assumed more responsibility and emotional burden than their younger siblings. However, gender expectations and culture may also contribute to these notions of being nurturing and mature early in life.
Signs you might be dealing with eldest daughter syndrome
Not all eldest daughters relate to the pressures, depending on their upbringing and environment. In addition, middle or youngest siblings may experience eldest-daughter syndrome if they assume a caretaker role within the family.
While the eldest daughter syndrome is not an actual medical diagnosis, it still helps to know if you are experiencing the hardships associated with it, to know you’re not alone. Common signs include the following:
- Perfectionism: Eldest daughters may feel they should be an example to younger family members. It could make them feel like they must be overly exceptional in every aspect of their life.
- Low self-esteem: Constantly high expectations from your family and yourself could lead to doubts and undermine your sense of self-worth.
- Identity challenges: People who experience eldest daughter syndrome can feel like being the eldest is their entire world. Being your own person outside of the family’s expectations feels foreign, and you may question who exactly you should be.
- Adverse mental health: A study suggests that eldest daughter syndrome can worsen anxiety symptoms due to the amount of pressure one may face. Some may also experience depression and severe stress.
Enjoying life while being the eldest daughter
Being the eldest daughter teaches you to be efficient and to lead, which can come in handy in parts of life like work and school. However, as fulfilling as it can be, one may feel pressured to grow up fast.
Recognise that you’re more than what you give to other people and rekindle your excitement for life. Here are ways to cope with the eldest daughter syndrome.
1. Connect with Your inner child
People who may have experienced the eldest daughter syndrome may not have fully embraced their childhood to take on other roles within their family. To heal yourself, connect with your inner child and find things that will bring you joy.
Think about something you’ve wanted to do as a kid. For example, you could spend time watching the movies that you may not have fully paid attention to. Run and play outdoors to help you destress and regain that spark of joy that makes you feel alive.
2. Experiment with self-expression
One may feel like they restrict themselves to certain activities to fit the mould their family expects of them. However, you shouldn’t be afraid to explore different areas of self-expression and learn who you are through them.
Try to choose clothing or makeup styles that reflect your preferences. Give yourself permission to decorate your space with things that make you happy. Even the most trivial things, like posters or figurines, can make you feel a little more like yourself.
3. Draw boundaries with responsibilities
Eldest daughters have to learn to let go of certain responsibilities, especially the ones that aren’t theirs alone. For example, one single person is not meant to fix the whole toxic family system, nor are they meant to fully parent their younger siblings.
These tendencies to take charge may also appear in your friendships or relationships. But again, it’s okay to let your loved ones take the wheel from time to time.
4. Practice self-compassion
Try to let go of self-criticism and the urge to remain in control, especially in stressful situations. It’s easier said than done, but one can only do so much for the people around them. Extend compassion and gratitude toward yourself for everything you’ve done.
If you haven’t come to terms with your experiences as the eldest daughter, find ways to console yourself. You could be like the 84% of British women aged 18 to 24 years old who had a good cry in the past month. Allow yourself to feel the emotions as they come without the pressure to rationalise them. Confiding in people that you trust can also help you breathe a little easier.
Recognise the eldest daughter syndrome struggles
Being the eldest daughter requires sacrifice and patience, but it’s important to remember you deserve love from others and yourself. Break free from the patterns holding you back and grow from it to be wiser than ever.
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