Written by Lilia, 21yrs.
Have you ever felt lonely in a group of people?
Do you wonder if you’re the only one that feels how you do?
If I told you that most people would answer yes at some point in their life to the above, would you believe me?
I think a lot of us know that there are others out there that can relate. But that knowledge isn’t often enough.
It’s the real moments of connection that make the big impact. It’s the snippets of conversation that make us feel lighter, despite the heavy uncertainty before taking the leap to be vulnerable. It’s the people you least expect that might show you are not alone.
I felt like the odd one out
I spent a lot of my teenagerhood thinking I was completely and utterly alone, trapped in a whirlwind of sadness, isolation, and ruminating thoughts. I believed I couldn’t ask for help, I’d be a burden, or I’d come across as weak if I showed I was struggling. I also didn’t see the point in opening up.
In the last few years, I have been proved countless times that I am not as alone as my brain told me, and that small moments of connection are an absolute lifeline. Let’s break down some barriers together and open up conversations.
You feel like the odd one out
Firstly, feeling like the odd one out sucks! The isolation that comes with perceiving yourself as alone in your struggles is like standing in the cold without a jacket not knowing when you’ll next get to be in the warmth. It can become all consuming. Or perhaps it’s an add-on to an already difficult time in your life.
Sometimes, you might even have people telling you they care, and you still feel alone. Let’s just take a moment to acknowledge how real these feelings are. Your perception of your experience right now is valid. So, why might you be feeling like the odd one out, wondering how others can’t tell that you are struggling?
Why do you feel alone in your experiences?
Maybe you’ve tried opening up and someone has shut you down or not understood. Maybe you haven’t spoken to anyone about how you’re doing in a while, and it feels intimidating to initiate that conversation. Maybe you don’t know how to describe what you’re feeling. Maybe it feels like you have to bear your mental health all by yourself.
Aspects of our identities can further these feelings, such as ethnicity, gender, sexuality, religion, home background, neurodivergence. Being someone that doesn’t fit the social ‘norms’ of your school, workplace, or home can feel extremely isolating.
For example, you might be the only LGBTQ+ person that’s out in your class, or the only mixed race person in your year group, or the only person at work who needs a space to pray each day. Parts of our identities can really impact how connected we feel to our peers, and influence how comfortable we feel to share with others.
Impacts of feeling like the odd one out
- Withdrawal from friends, family, peers and social events
- Reluctance to go to school or work
- Lower self-esteem and self-worth
- Less enjoyment of activities and hobbies
- Feeling anxious, sad or lonely
- Not opening up about feelings
What next?
Sometimes I would look at people at school and work and think ‘wow, they seem to be so connected and sure of themselves’. And then I’d have conversations with peers or even strangers that led to the realisation that we are all a little bit more alone than we let ourselves show.
I also used to think that there were parts of myself I had to keep hidden or that others didn’t understand. It took some vulnerable moments to realise that wasn’t true!
If you want to feel more connected…
Letting people into our inner worlds can make life feel a little more bearable and fulfilling.
You may not even need to share your whole story with someone to unlock feelings of connection. It can be as simple as saying “I am really struggling this week but don’t have the words to talk about it, I just wanted to let someone know’’ or a shared moment of quiet with others at a party or family gathering. People may pleasantly surprise you! And if you do have a bad experience, try not to let that deter you from opening up in the future.
If you want to make others feel more connected…
To make someone feel seen, a big, long conversation isn’t always needed. Small moments can make a big difference. Snap shots of thoughtfulness, intention, and authentic sharing can give others the insight they need to see they are not alone in their experiences.
Simple actions or words of acknowledgement can show this. For example, sitting with someone whilst they are upset, making a cup of tea for someone, or using phrases in a conversation like ‘I get you, ‘I resonate with what you are saying’.
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