Have I recovered?

I do not think you can recover from anything. I believe that everything happens for a reason, every path we take good or bad is a path is a route that we have to go down in order to be the person we are today.

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Recovery: a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

I personally do not believe that we can recover from emotional or mental experiences we have. We learn to deal with them in different ways and keep going on.

Each and everyone one of you have had an experience where you may have felt and emotional indescribable you may feel like you have recovered from it or people would say yeah, I got over it but did you really?

Or did you find a way to suppress your true feelings.

Before writing this I asked myself have I recovered from every experience that I have had? If I was very honest with myself, in a definition way I had recovered but honestly, I don’t think I have.

After each experience, I get closer and closer to completely hitting rock bottom which I now believe I am very close to for several reasons. However, I am explaining recovery typically for me this word refers to the way that boys have treated me over the years. This ranges from when I was in secondary school I trusted a boy with photographs of me because I was insecure of my body and I knew that one day he would see it. So, I stood there in the mirror naked holding in my breath so that I would look thinner in the photograph, I took pictures over and over again each picture I took my heart broke that little bit more. When I pressed send, I automatically regretted it, The thoughts of what if he thinks I am fat, what if I am not his type, what if he laughs at me went through my mind. He sent all types of emoji’s back I felt a sense of relieve that someone actually liked my body.

But I realised that it’s not everyone that you can trust as the same boy showed all his friends the photographs of me but I was unaware until I looked on my BBM and there I was naked; the body I was so ashamed of was up on his friend display picture. As I saw it, my heart sank. I cried so much I started to hyperventilate, that night my mum thought that I was sick little did she know a boy broke my heart. A boy showed the world my insecurities and he would never know how much it affected me.

Four years later people would say I recovered but I would say no I learnt how to deal with it, suppress it to the back of my memories almost forget about it, but the moment someone was to talk about it my heart would break in the million piece.

All the way to of recently, I met a young boy a few years older than me, in the small amount of time that we spoke for he impacted my life tremendously, He done something that I did not think anyone could do or that I could do myself which was save me from myself. He spoke words that healed me, treated me like a princess the words he said to me stayed with me, everything he said imprinted within me.

My attachment to him grew not sexually but emotionally, I could never tell him how I really felt because he would immediately remind me that we were never in a relationship. I almost felt that he was put in my life for a reason but he left like everyone else did. My point was to explain about the recovery word the fact that everyone always walks away from me, makes me feel like a princess then walks away, pretending that they never met me ... is the reason why I could never recover.

He might sit and think why is she so attached, I can explain simply because, when everyone treats you like a door mat and walks all over you except him you feel like finally someone excepts you for all your flaws, impurities, when you tell them your story inside and out and they admire your bravery, your journey and strengthens you.

You never want that person to leave because no one else ever understands. I felt accepted for once and well he took it away from me ... so each journey in-between secondary and now impacts how you feel how I feel at this current moment and why I take everything so literal and close to my heart.

Published on 30-Oct-2017

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