I’m a pansexual Muslim

A young volunteer wrote this article to share their experience of discovering their pansexual identity and navigating their relationships as a pansexual Muslim.

Being a Muslim

Islam has always been a part of my life, although I have never been totally religious. Both of my parents are Muslim too, so we’ve always celebrated Eid in our house (which is the Muslim version of Christmas for us). I’ve always viewed myself as a Muslim, but I never really had all the same beliefs as the rest of my family.

Discovering my sexuality

Girls

Ever since I can remember, I always had a habit of being curious about other girls. Me being a girl, I just thought I was jealous because they looked prettier than me, and I thought all girls must think that too. At the same time, I’ve constantly had crushes on boys too, but I was really curious about girls.

Family

I grew up with a strict family, and from the age of 14 I knew what being gay meant, and I even had two friends who were in a same sex couple. It was then that my mum said that being gay is against our religion; whilst I was happy to comply with that (as I still thought I was straight), I was still an ally to anyone who identified with being queer.

My realisation

When I was 17, my best friend (who I had a crush on and was female) came out to me as bisexual, which I was completely supportive about. It wasn’t until a week later that I started thinking I may be bisexual too, as that would explain the curiosity about both girls and boys that I had, and the fact that I had a crush on my best friend. I thought it was only temporary though, as I didn’t want to believe in anything against my religion and for my family to be angry with me. So I suppressed that crush on my best friend, which wasn’t at all healthy now that I’m looking back.

Coming out to myself

A year later when I was 18, I started watching this new show called Heartstopper on Netflix, just to give it a go because it looked cool. I was unaware that it had queer characters and it was the first queer tv show I had ever watched. I quickly became obsessed with it and watched all the episodes in one day.

The scene where the character Nick Nelson came out as bisexual to loved ones gave me so much hope and got me to come out to myself as bisexual and to embrace who I am rather than be scared of my family’s opinions (this is also your sign to go and watch/rewatch Heartstopper).

Coming out to loved ones

A month later I came out to my therapist (who turned out to be a lesbian), my cousins (who I knew were straight allies), and my best friend. In November 2022, I made the decision to come out to my mum. I knew she wouldn’t be happy but I didn’t feel at ease knowing there was a secret about me my mum could find out, and I wanted to tell her myself. She doesn’t support me but we no longer talk about that fact.

Pansexuality

A month later, I started feeling like bisexual didn’t feel like the right term for me to describe my sexuality, so I did a lot of research on the internet and I discovered the term pansexual (which means attraction to all genders, regardless of gender). It took a few months of going back and forth between the labels, but I’m now 19 and I am proud to be pansexual.

Read more about the meaning of pansexual here.

Family opinions

I’m not exactly sure why, but being queer is considered, by a lot of Muslims, to be against Islam. Most of the Muslims in my life believe this, and often make homophobic and transphobic comments. It feels very painful to hear them, and not being able to question or stop their views without outing myself. It makes me feel as if I’m an alien amongst my family during get-togethers.

How to have a balance between sexuality & religion

I really struggled with this at first, but after doing some internet searching, there are lots of things to help. There are articles about others being queer and Muslim, books, podcasts, TV shows and movies. You just have to search “lgbtq+ and Muslim” on the internet (only if you feel safe to do so).

There are lots of websites that can help, such as, Naz And Matt Foundation, which is a charity that has support groups and support via emails.

Hidayah LGBTQ+ is another charity that also has events going on and information about being queer and Muslim.

Being queer & proud

I still struggle with this, but it’s a thing that I deal with everyday. Whether you take joy in seeing pride flags everywhere during pride month, or find your own way to celebrate your sexuality, there are lots of things you can do.

• I find that online groups help and there are loads on Facebook, for example there’s a PinkNews Facebook group that’s really good – it’s lovely because you get to talk to others such as yourself who are in similar positions, whether you’re out or not.
• There are also movies and TV shows on Disney+, BBC iPlayer and Netflix (like Heartstoppers), many of which have apps, so you can even watch them on your phone.
• Podcasts and music are excellent to listen to as you can simply put on headphones and listen to others talk/sing about experiences similar to yours.
• YouTube is something I use to watch LGBTQ+ TikTok complication videos, which help a lot when you feel alone.
• There are lots and lots of events, both in person and online, where you can get involved, interact with others and join activities – you can search for these on Eventbrite.

Advice I would give others in this position

I know how hard it is for you, but remember you aren’t alone. There are people out there like you, fighting the same battle you’re fighting. Things may seem dark, but it will get better. Give it some time, and you will find that happiness, freedom and peace that you wish for.

The Mix has more resources on being gay and muslim here.