Festival tips

If you don't want to be the person that annoys everyone at a festival follow The Mix's short, sharp, essential list for part-time field dwellers.

Crowd at a festival

Festivals - where personal hygiene is sacrificed to the music gods

Stuff to keep with you at all times:

  • Money (cold hard cash if you can. Guard credit cards with your life)
  • Sun-block (it might help urge the rain away)
  • Plastic bag (useful should rain hat/pillow/shoe protector things get muddy)
  • Condoms
  • Mobile phone
  • Anything else valuable you can put in festival lock-ups

Camping tips:

  • Decorate your tent so that you don’t accidentally stumble into someone else’s when you’re strolling up the hill utterly wasted
  • Pitch up-hill so if it rains you don’t get flooded
  • Camp near enough to the toilets that you won’t end up wetting yourself and far enough not to smell them
  • Don’t camp under a tree as you don’t want to be struck by lightning or have it fall on you in the night
  • Camp away from the path where there’s more chance of having stuff nicked and having drunk people fall over you
  • Don’t bother with padlocks on your tent, it suggests to thieves you have something valuable and if they want it that much they’ll just slash your tent anyway
  • Take your mud-caked shoes off before stepping into your tent to keep it clean and dry
  • Make sure you take everything listed in our packing for a festival article

Festival food:

  • Remember to eat and don’t go on a purely liquid diet – if you’re just drinking alcohol you’ll just end up sick and feeling lousy
  • Drink plenty of water or a combination of sun and alcohol will leave you feeling dehydrated
  • Have something sugary, like coca cola, to combat your hangover and give you a quick boost, then eat something carb-y and starch-y for lasting energy
  • Have small, light meals that are easy to digest when you’re feeling poorly.
  • Take a camping stove and pan to cook for yourself so you don’t have to shell out for ridiculously expensive food from festival vans
  • Pack things which are easy to cook, like tins of beans and noodles
  • Take muesli bars and dried fruit, which are full of goodness and energy
  • Don’t bother taking anything that will go off really quickly

Signs that you’ve overdone it:

  • You’re naked and covered in body paint from the ankles up
  • People start calling you ‘Moon of Orion’ and you love it
  • You mix the dance tent up with your own tent and camp down for the night next to a massive speaker stack
  • You arrange to meet friends outside the recovery tent
  • You’re in there shouting ‘More maestro!’ when anyone leaves the stage

Signs that you’re under-doing it:

  • You’re up at day-break, clear-headed and hungry
  • After the final act, you head for your tent and tuck up
  • Friends keep asking you to look after their valuables
  • You spend more time under the showers than in front of the stage
  • You keep phoning home just to find out how things are

Festivalgoers to avoid:

  • People who don’t blink, ever
  • People who reek of patchouli, including their children
  • People with dark glasses and earpieces
  • People in Take That T-shirts
  • People who stride about shouting: “Jesus says this is all wrong!”

Festivalgoers to seek out:

  • Naked mud wrestlers (because it isn’t big or clever, unless someone else is doing it)
  • Your mates (six hours wandering by yourself can get lonely)
  • People who live in tepees (from a distance. Don’t go in, you’ll never come out)
  • Bar staff that recognise your thirst and like you
  • Backstage security that look the other way for the price of a pint

Ways to ensure people think you’re a twat:

  • Wear a jester’s hat (Do we even need to mention this?)
  • Sling handfuls of mud at passers-by
  • Rope off a 20 metre-squared area round your tent for “privacy” reasons
  • Smile smugly from the VIP area at the great unwashed
  • Talk ridiculously loudly into your phone about how you’ve just been hanging out with your mate Rob da Bank/Nick Grimshaw/Jamie xx etc


Next Steps




Updated on 29-Sep-2015

Photo of festival by Shutterstock