Too old to be so shy, he says to me so I stay the night.

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Hi, I am moving all the posts from the The Mix’s sister website Madly In Love to Your Voices.

About four years ago I was in a very physically abusive relationship that I didn't really want to be in, I did not love this man I was just terrified of leaving. Eventually in the end after two years I managed to pluck up the courage to leave this man with thanks to a counsellor.

I then met a man who I fell madly in love with, I thought he was the most perfect thing on this planet, however I decided to open up to this man and he didn't take it too well and was very mentally abusive towards me, manipulated me into believing it was my fault I was physically abused, he had horrible mood swings where he would have a go at me for saying the littlest of things, this was the lowest point in my life and where the cutting started and the weight loss.

Everything played on my mind, I didn't feel like myself and I didn't like it.

After the most painfully miserable two years of my life I ended it, telling him exactly how I felt and he's apologised and was begging for me back until about a year ago.

I now suffer with regular periods of extreme depression and anxiety but I'm getting better, however after a couple of short term relationships, now I feel like I can't connect with anyone unless it's on a sexual level because I feel like that's all I'm good for. Also, because of the nature of my first relationship and the fact that it's been playing on my mind recently with my past being brought up, I've felt too scared to sleep with anyone for the past couple of months.

I'm still not 100% what's wrong with me as in I don't have a definition but I know it's not right and I'm too scared of being judged to tell anyone about it.

I'm just waiting for someone to make it all better and I don't think that's good thing to put all my hopes on one person.

This post was written by Frankie the Lion and originally appeared on The Mix’s sister website Madly In Love.

Published on 12-May-2016

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