Living with smokers

Anyone can get on your nerves when you’re living in the same space, it’s part of being human. But that experience can be made 10x more difficult if you have fundamental differences, such as opinions on smoking. But don’t stress. The Mix is here to mediate. We’ll teach you how to deal with the situation in a calm, rational manner that leaves everyone with their friendships (and lungs) intact.

A young man is standing in front of a brick wall. He is wearing a mask. He is living with smokers. This is a wide-angle image.

How can I cope with living with smokers? 

We all know passive smoking can damage your health, but if you’re living with smokers it can be unavoidable. Your health concerns are completely legitimate, but it’s better for both parties if you can keep your cool while you’re sorting things out. Make your worries clear, but avoid nagging incessantly as it can be counterproductive.

Try to remember that smoking is an addictive and legal habit. Appreciating someone’s craving to smoke will help you be more understanding, so:

  • Have the confidence to ask them to smoke outside, or in one particular room, to limit how much you breathe in.
  • If you’re asking people to go out of their way for your comfort, be clear about the reasons why you don’t like smoking
  • Set ground rules – be open and honest about what you want right from the start if you’re living with someone new
  • Take other factors into account – if you’re living in a house owned by a smoker, or it’s raining heavily on the outside smoking area, try to be a little flexible or have back up plans for those scenarios

Can I get rid of the smell of smoke? 

Cigarette smoke has a habit of lingering on clothes and furniture, but there are ways you can reduce the scent– even if someone smokes inside:

  • Open windows as much as possible, especially while people are smoking
  • Empty ashtrays and wash them every day (or better yet encourage the smokers to do this), and sprinkle a layer of bicarbonate of soda on the bottom to absorb odors
  • Use an air purifier or an anti-allergy filter in your heaters

If I’m living with smokers, can I ask them to quit? 

No one will suddenly stop smoking just because you ask them nicely– no matter how much support you offer. It has to be their decision to quit. Here’s how to help them:

  • Remember you’re asking them to break their addiction, so you could offer support by quitting a habit of your own
  • Arm yourself with information about how quitting will benefit them and what they’ll go through if they quit
  • Suggest they call the NHS Smoking Helpline if they’re interested, or they could take an addiction test to get started
  • Don’t make negative comments if they relapse, just be there for them
  • Read our article on quitting for more tips

Real life stories. Ways to deal with living with smokers…

Housemates smoking

If you’re living with friends, you’re likely to hang out with them. But that’s also when cigarettes tend to become involved (they don’t call it social smoking for nothing). Rachel finds it hard when her housemate who smokes invites other smokers over. “They leave the door open while they smoke outside, or leave it on the latch so the smell goes down the corridor and into our rooms. It’s definitely caused some friction and arguments,” she says.

Our advice is to:

  • Stress the ground rules on smoking inside when you’re having a drink – they tend to slide when everyone’s had a few
  • If you live in a rented property, find out if the landlord has a policy on smoking inside
  • If you’re going to move in with smokers, talk things through early on – bringing it up six months down the line won’t get a good response

Boyfriend/girlfriend smoking

Spending time with a boyfriend or girlfriend who smokes means spending time with their smoking, too. “It doesn’t bother me as long as my partner doesn’t smoke in front of the children, so he usually smokes outside or out of a window,” says Abbie.

Our advice: 

  • If a partner isn’t likely to stop smoking, have a good think about whether you can handle it in the long-term
  • Don’t assume a partner will ‘change’ for you – this can cause resentment on both sides

 Parents smoking

If you’re living with your folks you may have no choice but to put up with their habit – especially if you can’t afford to move out. Treenz is a non-smoker who grew up in a smoking family. “Now I’ve moved out, I go home to visit and realise how smelly it is. When I visit my mum, both she and her partner smoke and I notice it catching my throat and my chest at times.”

Our advice: 

  • Attitudes towards smoking can be different between generations, so it’s worth explaining how you feel if you’re worried about their health
  • A sibling might ask you to hide their smoking from your parents – it’s your decision, but try to avoid backing something that you feel strongly against.

Next Steps

  • NHS Smokefree offers all sorts of advice and support to help you quit smoking.
  • Use the NHS smoking calculator to see how much your habit is costing you.
  • Chat about this subject on our Discussion Boards.
  • Need help but confused where to go locally? Download our StepFinder iPhone app to find local support services quickly.

By Louise Ridley

Updated on 07-Sep-2021