Help! I'm lonely

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is the unpleasant feeling we have when there is a mismatch between the social relationships we want, and the ones that we have. Mental health charity Mind says loneliness is about ‘not feeling part of the world’. Loneliness leaves you feeling isolated – like you’re not connected to people, or you don’t belong.

I am lonely and can’t cope

If loneliness is really getting you down and you feel like you can’t cope, don’t forget our friendly team is here to listen. You’re always welcome to call our support line on 0808 808 4994, it’s open between 4pm and 11pm every day. You can talk to us anonymously about anything you like.

The difference between being lonely and just being on your own

Lots of people live alone, but wouldn’t say they feel lonely. This is because they have social relationships and connections that they want and need. This means that they can have their me-time while maintaining a healthy social life. Loneliness, on the other hand, is a nagging feeling that won’t go away – no matter how many people you have in your life.

You’re not the only one who feels lonely…

The Mix found that 77% of young people agree that the coronavirus pandemic has left them feeling like saying ‘I feel alone’. It’s normal to experience loneliness, and it’s important that we normalise it and break down the stigma. It’s also normal to say ‘I feel lonely’ sometimes because odds are, multiple people are feeling the exact same thing. So, if you feel like you’re the only one saying ‘I’m so lonely’ – trust us, you’re not.

Loneliness can occur at any time, but it can also be triggered by something. Loneliness is like hunger or thirst; it’s our body’s way of telling us that we need social contact. Remember that millions of people experience loneliness – it doesn’t mean you’re a failure or less than, just means you’re human.

Why do I feel lonely?

There are lots of reasons why you might feel lonely. Some of these include:

• Moving to a new city or country
• Starting university
• Falling out with your friends, or just growing apart
• A relationship breaking up
• The death of someone close to you
• Having to care for a family member

Social media and technology can also exacerbate loneliness. Sometimes it can help us to make new friends and connections, and meet people who share our interests and passions. But video games can’t replace real face-to-face interaction and meaningful relationships. If it does, it can quickly become isolating, which makes us feel even lonelier and creates a vicious cycle.

I don’t have any friends

If you’re lonely because you’ve not got any friends you can chat to, don’t worry, there’s plenty that can be done to change that. Loneliness is common and there are loads of people out there in the same boat looking to meet new people. You could look into volunteering in your local area, or sign up for an evening class to learn a new skill.

How does loneliness affect my health?

It’s pretty bleak. Human beings are naturally social, so being lonely isn’t good for us. According to according to former Surgeon, Vivek Murthy, loneliness can be as bad for physical health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or obesity.

It can also contribute to feelings of anxiety, stress and depression, and have a negative impact on mental health conditions. Feeling lonely and isolated affects our self-esteem, and we can end up thinking that people don’t want to talk to us or that we’ll never make meaningful connections ever again.

But please try to remember, you won’t feel like this forever – it’s really just the loneliness talking. When you feel better, you should start thinking about how to stop feeling lonely. This is honestly an individual journey that depends on your likes and dislikes so take time getting to know yourself.

How to stop feeling lonely

Think about what you would like to spend more time doing. Do you want to feel more connected with friends or family? Arrange to do something with them.

You could also share your skills and time with others; volunteering or joining a group is a fantastic way to make new friends. Stay on the lookout for community events; Nextdoor is a great way to find out what is happening in your local area. If you have a passion for something – swimming, walking, reading – join a local club to meet like minded people.

If loneliness is getting you down, talking to someone can really help. You may want to consider counselling to explore how you’re feeling.

Loneliness is not your fault

Becky talks about feeling lonely at university, and how she learnt to pursue new social connections.

My years at University weren’t the best

I’ve always been independent, and as a kid I liked spending time on my own. I’m an introvert, but I would never have described myself as lonely. That all changed when I went to university. There’s so much expectation for it to be the best years of your life. I don’t regret my time at university, but this certainly wasn’t true for me. I struggled with my mental health and began to isolate myself. My internal struggles meant that, for the first time ever, I was finding it really hard to connect with other people. I went days without seeing someone I knew.

Looking back, I can see how sad this made me, and being in a long-distance relationship didn’t help. The lack of physical presence added to my feelings of loneliness, and I lost sense of who I was, and what made me happy. I was consumed by thoughts of worthlessness. Being lonely makes you think people don’t want to spend time with you. I didn’t realise it was something I could try and change.

Being connected digitally isn’t the same

I think there’s an assumption that because of all the technology we have as young people, we are more connected with each than ever before. I think that’s a misconception. It’s possible to make really powerful connections online – some of the people I’ve met online have turned out to be some of my best friends. But, I think we have to take connection offline – to connect face to face, for it to be truly beneficial for our mental health.

Loneliness shouldn’t be a taboo

No one chooses to be lonely. Isolation and loneliness are two separate things. You don’t have to be isolated to be lonely, just as you don’t have to be lonely to be isolated. Loneliness is not a lack of people in your life – it’s a lack of connection with people. You can be in a room full of people, and still feel alone. But if you’re in a room full of people that you feel a connection with, you’re not lonely. It depends on our desired social bonds, and how we wish to be connected with others.

It’s easy to feel lost during life’s transitions

Young people go through lots of transformative events, which could make them feel lonely. From moving from school to university, or staying at home to study whilst friends move away. It’s easy to feel lost in these periods of your life. Friendships change, relationships change and you change so much yourself.

Loneliness can accompany a lot of other mental health issues. Whether you experience anxiety, depression, an eating disorder or another mental health condition, if you don’t have the opportunity to reach out for support, this can be isolating. When you’re young, this can be especially difficult to deal with when we’re already going through so many other life changes.

I looked for what was missing in my life

When I moved back in with my parents after finishing university, I spent less time alone. But this doesn’t mean I never feel lonely. One of the most triggering things for loneliness is feeling that I don’t have a connection with other people, or I lack the confidence to form connections with people. Self-belief is something I’ve always struggled with, and I think there’s a link between that and my ability to put myself ‘out there’.

So, I started prioritising my own happiness. I looked for what was missing in my life, and what I enjoyed doing which I had lost sight of. Dancing, and group fitness, filled a huge gap for me – I started meeting more people with similar passions to mine, and I started having fun again. This had a massive impact on me, as it not only increased my social circle but improved my physical and mental health too.

It’s scary, but it’s so important to open up

I started trying to push myself out of my comfort zone, to do things that scared me, like going to events on my own. This is another way I’ve made new connections – and, as scary as it might feel, it’s worth it for the confidence boost it gives you.

If you’re feeling lonely, please remember that it’s not your fault. Try reaching out to a friend or family member, and suggest doing something fun, that you both enjoy. Loneliness might be the last taboo, but the more we open up and talk to others about what we’re experiencing, the sooner the stigma will end.