Fake orgasm

If either yourself or your partner feels the need to whip out a fake orgasm it’s not a good sign for your sex life. It’s one thing to not be having good sex and completely another to have to fudge the truth for your partner. We’re here to help you get communicating and ACTUALLY get some.

Why fake an orgasm?

There are loads of reasons. You’re knackered. Maybe you’re not turned on. You’re worried about how our partner feels. Maybe you don’t know how to make yourself achieve orgasm – and neither does your partner who’s been working away down there for ages. Regardless, you simply don’t want to cause an argument or a fuss, so you pretend.

Faking the female orgasm

Many people, probably mostly women, have probably looked up ‘How to fake an orgasm’. “Women will often fake orgasm – sometimes into their 30s – before ever having a genuine one because they don’t know what they need to get off,” explains sex therapist Rachel Morris. “Achieving a real orgasm can be tricky, so we’ll fake it to protect our partner’s ego – especially if our partner isn’t massively experienced.” she says.

Why men fake orgasms

Male fakers are rarer because getting there’s a whole lot simpler – once you’re involved in practically any sexual act, coming is virtually as inevitable as Christmas. “With men, faking it’s 90% psychological,” says Rachel. “Guilt, fear of getting you pregnant (if it’s a heterosexual relationship), and past relationship issues may not stop a man getting hard but can affect ejaculation, so men might work out how to fake an orgasm in order to avoid disappointment. Just know that it’s NOT because they don’t fancy you,” she says.

Pornography: Its effect on your orgasm

Porn is a huge factor in the faking game. “It’s where most of us nowadays learn what we think sex should be like,” says Rachel. And if we’re basing our performances on King Dong: The Return, nothing but 200 decibel screams will prove that it’s a good time. Luckily for us, a person’s real sex life is slightly less chaotic. 

Research has shown that making some noise during sex can actually turn you both on more, but that shouldn’t come at the cost of you both getting off for real. “For men, everything is ejaculation led, but for women it’s more than that,” says Rachel. So only scream/pant/shout obscenities if you feel like it. Or if, hopefully, you’re having such a good time you just can’t help it.

When a fake orgasm is ok

You might get away with it a few times if you’re not in a relationship, Rachel reckons. But in a relationship, it’s rarely OK. Things quickly get complicated and faking can be a hard habit to break if your partner thinks they’re giving you constant get-your-neighbours-angry pleasure. So if you find yourself thinking about how to fake an orgasm, it’s probably time to have a chat with your significant other. As it turns out, we’ve got just the article to help you do that!

As a woman, what’s going to help me achieve a real orgasm?

If you’re faking because you don’t know how to achieve orgasm, or masturbation’s orgasmic but sex isn’t (true for 35% of women), there’s definitely a tonne of stuff you can try. “The key to better, more regular orgasm is MORE masturbation!” says Rachel. “Buy a clitoral vibrator and one for inside you so that you can explore.” Uncover your hotspots, and then share that information in a way that suits you. Sleeping with a new partner? Great: you can start off on the right foot. “Oral is orgasmic for 80% of women,” says Rachel. “But many can’t relax, worried that their partners don’t want to be doing it.”

We’re here to help. Need ideas for some fun sex toys? The Mix have got you covered. We’ve also got a handy guide explaining how to go down on a girl.

If you’re worried she’s faking, try stimulating your partner to orgasm without having penetrative sex. If it’s not happening, reevaluate your technique with her. Alternatively explain that you want to make her happy and ask her to show you what she wants.

Confessing to a faked orgasm

Rather than just a casual, “by the way love, I faked it,” try sneaking in the moves you now know work for you. And if you want something, ask! It’s criticism, not guidance, that our partners dislike. “Suggest getting experimental because you read something on how to have more orgasms – few men will refuse,” says Dr. Lori Boul, author of DIY Sex and Relationship Therapy. Or move their hand or body to where you want it – that’s a huge turn on too.

If you must confess, don’t make it a big deal and have the reason ready. Try saying something like: “Sometimes I may have faked it because…” Be creative if you have to, but make sure it’s believable. “Your partner will want a good reason why – and what you want instead,” warns Rachel.

Trusting your partner

If you can’t face trying to improve the situation, be prepared for the backlash. “Faking can cause physical, psychological and relationship problems,” says Dr. Boul. “If you’re not turned on, you won’t be lubricated enough, which can be painful. This could lead to either of you avoiding sex, which will affect your relationship and sexual confidence,” she says.

Knowing that this person wants to be here, with you, doing this, should help you let go – and relaxing is key to orgasm. As cheesy as it sounds, communication and trust is honestly the easiest way to have an orgasm. If home-remedies aren’t working, don’t be afraid to work with your partner and seek help. The couple connection website offers advice on all sorts of relationship issues.

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